What do dominant women want?
I’ve heard this question a lot, on blogs, in email, and even over drinks. I’ve tried to answer it, and time and time again felt that my answers were too vague or too personal, so I’m trying something new. I recently started playing with someone new, and noticed that he did some things very right from the start. Thinking back, a number of my partners have hit these points right on. So what do dominant women want? Well in the interest of not being too vague, I’m going to go through those points one by one with specific examples. In the interest of not being too personal, I’ve invited my friend Ironrose to collaborate on this post, and I invite my readers to comment.
As a disclaimer, this is not a comprehensive list of what all dominant women want. It is impossible to make a comprehensive list of what all women want, or what any other statistically significant portion of the human race wants. However, this is a starting point that illustrates some themes that might apply to a few dominant women. We’re also using male pronouns because most questions I get on this topic are from men, and because I am using a man as my primary data point. The list probably applies mostly in America, and possibly only on the coasts, and maybe even only to educated, geeky, 20-something, queer-identified dominant women. This is why we welcome reader feedback and peer review!
- The small stuff does matter.
It tells me that he is attracted to me because I’m me, not just any dominant woman. It adds a personal touch to our interactions. I like how he pays attention to my personal foibles, such as demanding to be called Doctor or Ma’am instead of Mistress, or that I really like my boots licked. Or the fact that I like tea, and how I like it served.
- He makes it clear how important I am to him.
He makes room in his schedule for me. He does little things to show me that he’s been thinking about me when we aren’t together, like writing me letters or buying me little gifts. He makes me feel like he wants me by what he says, and how he acts. At the same time, he doesn’t assume that this somehow gives him a right to my time, energy, desire, or body.
- I don’t have to wonder if he wants to be here.
He says please, and thank you. He is clear and honest on his boundaries. He says no, or otherwise expresses his limits. “Well, I’m happy to go shopping with you but I need to leave at 4pm,” or “I am happy to be beaten but I don’t want to do CBT play right now.” He does not pretend he does not have limits.
- He does not confuse the fantasy of submission with the reality of submission.
He has a life, a career, friends, and hobbies. He is a person, with a personality outside of being a submissive. Kink is not the only thing we bond over. We can relate as equals and friends when we are not in a scene. (24/7 is a possibility, but it should not be the norm when I first start playing with someone.) We have things in common outside the dungeon. We can have a conversation, we can go to a concert, and we have friends in common.
- When he serves me he actually serves me rather than his own fantasies.
If he runs errands for me, he does it right, and to the best of his abilities. He doesn’t offer to run errands for me just to get my attention, and he doesn’t mess up on purpose to make me “punish” him. He’s good at what he does, especially when what he’s doing is meant to please me. He also doesn’t use this as a bargaining chip, or as an opportunity to barter for sex.
- I am not his dirty little secret.
Kink is not his dirty little secret. He should not be ashamed of his submission. I can respect the fact that he may not want to acknowledge his kink or submission in every situation, but I cannot play with someone who thinks our relationship is something wrong, shameful, or terrible. If he treats his desires for kink as wrong or shameful, what does he think of my desires for the same thing?
- He understands that I have many facets.
He does not suddenly lose the ability to bottom to me because I bottomed to someone else. He doesn’t assume that because I did something with someone else I will do it with him. He understands that I have many hobbies, academic interests, and kinks, and he respects that he is part of my life, but not the sum total of my life. It helps if we met at a vanilla social function, and not at a munch, or on collarme.com, or in a dungeon. Meeting through mutual friends suggests that we have common interests outside of kink and submission.
- His submission is personally meaningful.
He does not think that being a submissive means being someone other than who he is. Just as I want to be seen as a person and not as a generic Dominant Woman, I want his submission to reflect how he is a person, and not some generic Submissive Man. I want him to submit, not some cardboard cutout of a person. I want the submission to be personally meaningful, not just a rote framework copied from porn.