Tuesday, August 11, 2009

With every goodbye, we learn

In between giving me off menu treatments at his spa Sunday, my FMT decided to really tell me how he feels about me. It was unexpected and honestly a bit overwhelming.

I little back story: my FMT and I started dating 8 months ago. Over that time we've seen each other an average of every other week and talked or texted once or twice each week. We weren't dating each other exclusively and we were both pretty happy with things that way. He knows of my D/s proclivities and that I date submissive guys too. He's very open minded and pretty kinky himself but is not submissive. In fact, he's the only guy I've dated in quite some time that isn't submissive.

My FMT has some intimacy issues and I've known this all along. We've talked several times about taking things to the next level in our relationship and even just seeing more of each other, but his inability to allow anyone to become close to him was always a road block.

It was this road block that we discussed again Sunday. He seemed more open with me than he had ever been before about his feelings for me but I was still skeptical.

So when I saw my FMT last night, I shouldn't have been surprised at how things ended up, I guess.

Rather than rehash the evening, let's just say he was not very nice to me. He was, in fact, quite an asshole. When it became evident that he was doing all he could to drive me away, I got up and left.

In case my leaving wasn't clear, I followed up with a text (when he didn't answer me call) letting him know I was done been treated that way, done with him. Today I received a text of apology saying we shouldn't see each other anymore because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

Everything has been leading to this, despite the occasional declaration of affection from my FMT from time to time. It's the right thing. He doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to be hurt. However, it still hit me hard.

That's an understatement actually. I wasn't prepared to feel quite so upset about ending things. It had to be done. It did. But it has been way worse than I could have imagined. I rarely got to spend time with him yet I miss him already. I keep thinking that I'm not ready to lose him yet I never really had him.

Women are notoriously bad about staying with men who treat them badly. Even I have been guilty of this in the past. However, as a Dominant woman, I've grown used to being treated well and cherished by men. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm spoiled, but I'm definitely getting there.

So when my FMT's asshole side emerged, it was so glaringly obvious to me because it was such a contrast to how I've grown used to being treated.

I'm truly sorry that my FMT has these demons that prevent him from growing close to anyone, particularly me, but I'm not going to allow anyone to hurt me or treat me badly.

One thing my Dominance has taught me is that there are many men who are ready, willing and able to adore and cherish me. I don't need to tolerate being treated any way but very well. No woman should, Dominant or not.


  1. Mistress Lilyana,

    Sorry about your hurt and what happened. I strongly feel that everything happens for a reason, and I think this happened to help you realize even more your chosen path and place as a Dominant woman.

    You're right, NO woman should tolerate being treated badly or without respect, whether they are Dominant or not. But I think you see that YOUR true path in life is nothing less than that of a Dominant Woman who deserves to be adored, cherished and treated with nothing but the best! :)

  2. @kneelingb4you, you are probably right. This probably did happen to remind me of who I am and what I need in my life.