Monday, October 26, 2009

Hope for male subs in vanilla marriages

Trust me when I say there are a lot of married men who are submissive and their wives have no clue. I know because invariably, they find me, and other Dommes I'm sure, and want a woman to dominate them. A woman who is not their wife.

At first I was very sympathetic. Poor guy got trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't understand his special needs.

That's bullshit. Almost without exception the married men I've come across knew they were submissive before they married. They knew they craved the dominance of a woman and they chose someone who couldn't give it to them.

Or did they?

I have recently changed my theory on this subject. I now think that if a submissive man picked a woman to marry, she's probably got Dominant characteristics even if she's unaware of it.

And it's my theory that if a woman has Dominant characteristics and someone who will nurture and celebrate that within her, she just might evolve into a Domme with a bit of assistance.

So let's say you're a submissive male in a vanilla marriage. What do you do?

In an ideal world, you'd be able to sit down and rationally explain your kinky desires.

Does anyone live in an ideal world?

My fall back suggestion has always been to slowly introduce the wife to femdom porn. Not the forced bi, strap-on play or even extreme humiliation femdom porn you probably enjoy, not initially anyway. Perhaps you could ramp up to that, but some mild femdom porn could be a conversation starter for you anyway. "Honey that was really hot. Do you think you'd enjoy telling me what to do in bed sometime?"

Now I have a new suggestion - one that will make you her slave for a day or a weekend. If you play it right, maybe you could even turn it into a permanent gig.

Make a bet with your wife. Sports, weather related, whatever. Just make sure it's something you're sure to lose. The loser of this bet would then be required to serve as the other's slave for a designated period of time. A day. A weekend.

I'm guessing a vanilla woman with a slave at her disposal is immediately going to come up with house chores and maintenance for her new slave. And being the submissive male that you are, you'll probably even enjoy it.

But you can take it further. Ask her what you should wear while you do these chores for her. Be a good pet and thank her for your assignments. Kneel at her feet whenever you can. Offer to massage her, bring her favorite beverage to her while she relaxes without being asked. Basically, offer her a taste of what it's like to be in charge and be treated like the goddess she surely is.

If she has even a smidge of dominance in her, she'll adore being adored and served. You may even gradually be able to work in more sensual service activities. If nothing else, after the designated period of service you can let her know how much you enjoyed serving her and doing as she desired. Perhaps you can even suggest that you'd enjoy being told what to do to please her in bed.

You might not be able to fully cultivate the Domme within and establish a 24/7 relationship, but perhaps you could at the very least help her harness her feminine power in the bedroom.


  1. I like your blog and your suggestions. May I add that I have found that a lot of men with a kink side or fetish are too ashamed of it to even tell their significant other?
    The important thing here, just like in any kind of relationship, is COMMUNICATION. Men are so afraid to be ridiculed that they won't even tell the woman they love their deepest desires.

    Like you suggested, watching porn together is a good start, but men should make sure to communicate to their partner that porn is not a replacement for sex with them, it is NOT cheating ( as many women think), but rather a sexual enhancer, or a way to get fun ideas if you will. Of course they should always keep in mind that real life is not like a porn, and these are actors doing their job, faking it.

    Men often forget that women have a kinky side as well, and she just might be afraid to tell him how she wishes she could Domme him, as much as he's afraid to tell her how he wishes to be dominated.


  2. thans for a very interesting post. i thought the ideas for -maybe- converting your wife were very good. not sure i agree that all men realize they are submissive when they marry. maybe there were indications, but they tend to get dismissed with thoughts of 'wife and family' as in when you were young. sometimes the real need to submit does not mature until later. and then it can be overpowering. i tend to think that the need to submit to a woman is very deeply rooted in many men, if not most men. sometimes it is repressed, and sometimes it is embraced. it is unfortunate that more women do not understand and use the power they were born with to control a man.


  3. The importance of communication cannot be overstated, I do agree. However, I think the challenge for many submissive men in vanilla marriages is that they feel like they cannot communicate verbally this one particular issue.

    I tend to forget that some women thing porn is a replacement for sex because I am not one of those women, but your point is a great one. I think watching porn together might dissuade women from thinking that.

    @Jamie - Thank you for bringing up the point that some men may be repressed in their submission. It is a good one, one that I can relate to. I wasn't aware of my Dominance until about 18 months ago although looking back, there were clear signs of it that I simply didn't recognize as such. In my experience the married men I've spoken with have realized they were submissive when before they were married but as you've pointed out, that does not have to be the case.

  4. Ma'am i can understand were you thoughts are coming from but can not completely agree. When i got married had recently started at a new church. While there was lead to believe, convinced that BDSM and cross dressing activities were wrong not proper, etc. Also due to no adeventof internet at time, i did not really know much about theses things or that some people lived that life style.

    Unfortunately i now know much different about what is real world BDSM vs fantasy. And just what a D/s relationship is and/or how may relate to finding a compatable Domine.

    Also, while i was dating my wife, see came across as being adventrousome and interested in sex, etc. After we were married i came to found out that she loves to recieve oral, Big + for me. However, that is about the only thing she likes. Since she found out that i like cross dressing, etc. She has decided that CDing is worse thing in the world and totally wrong. No talking abot it etc. Forget about it and even thinking about just using me to get college degree and then kick me out of our house after she finishes and gets a job.

    Yes i am terrible at reading other people(asperger's). i am trying to be patient and give her support and time for whay i hope is a change of heart/outlook. I do enjoy readng your twitter and blogspot postings.