Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Man crack

"Can't live with him, can't live without him."

"He's perfect for me and completely wrong for me."

"He's my disease and my cure."

Occasionally a woman will find a man she becomes completely addicted to. Toxic or not, he becomes her affliction. He's oh so wrong for her, and she knows it, but he's like crack - dangerously addictive - and she can't stay away.

It seems lately I've noted a couple of girlfriends going through this. Of course this has NEVER happened to me. Ever. Seriously.


My first experience with man crack was my college boyfriend. He wasn't my normal pretty boy, athletic and sociable. It didn't matter that I had a boyfriend at the time either. I was inexplicably drawn to him and instantly addicted to him.

Quickly I grew to love him with an intensity that surprised me. The very independent young woman I'd become found herself unable to be away from him. I couldn't wait to see him in between classes, couldn't wait to get him back into my bed.

I vividly remember being across the room from him and feeling a physical loss at not being near him. And when I was near him, I couldn't seem to get close enough. If I could have crawled inside him, I would have.

My ex husband was nearly as addictive, at least in the time before we were married. I couldn't get enough of him. I can remember on more than one occasion "feeling him" enter a room as if just being in his proximity provoked a physical reaction in me.

My FMT is the latest addition to my man crack experiences. He's completely wrong for me in so many ways yet I cannot shake my addiction to him even now, nearly a year after my first "hit."

Our chemistry is palpable. Sometimes I feel like it's a physical force all its own. To be near him is inexplicably intoxicating. Simply having his arm around me snuggling during a movie is like foreplay.

Having man crack in your life is a double edged sword. When you're getting your fix, when you're feeding your addiction, everything is beautiful, exhilarating and perfect and you forget all of the reasons why your man crack is dangerous. Then when he's gone, when things don't work out, you're left with terrible withdrawal symptoms. You feel anxious for no apparent reason and you feel crazy for not being able to walk away from what is clearly something very bad for you.

Man crack is a real addiction not just for me but for my friends. We've spent hours pondering why intelligent women such as ourselves can't seem to just walk away from our man crack when we KNOW the perils of our addiction.

Being addicted to something, to someone, means you're experiencing feelings you cannot control. As much as I look forward to finding THE perfect sub, that one who trips all my triggers, whose submission I crave more than any others, I sincerely hope he's not man crack.

Cumboy once told me, "You are like a drug (a good one too, Columbian shit - uncut and pure)." I LOVE that! I prefer to be a guy's drug of choice. How's that for a double standard? Eh who cares. I'm in charge. I get to make the rules. :)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Blondes are yummy - my Blonde Brownie recipe

At Reverse Tensionz' December Rope Social, we had a potluck feast of yumminess. I showed a little bit of my domestic side by baking up a couple of batches of my famous Blond Brownies and they were quite the hit. As requested, here's the recipe:

Lilyana's Blonde Brownies

1 cup melted butter
2 2/3 cups packed brown sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups flour
1 heaping teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
salt (I used 4 or 5 shakes of the salt shaker)
half a bag of semi sweet chocolate chips
roughly chopped pecans - at least 1 cup - I use more

Mix melted butter, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla until creamy. Combine with flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add in chocolate chips and pecans. Smooth batter into a greased 9 x 13 pan or glass dish.

Bake at 350 degrees. The original recipe says bake for 40 minutes but I start checking it at 22 minutes. The secret is not to bake it too long. You want them to be a bit gooey in the middle so the tooth pick test doesn't work. Watch the edges. When the edges begin to turn just a tad more brown that the rest, it's usually done.

Photo by IstariSilver

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The player gives up dating for sport

Babyboy is a player. He's in his mid 20's and has enjoyed dating lots of girls who he openly admits he easily wraps around his little finger.

It seems to me he enjoys this little sport, dating vanilla girls. He's a good looking guy who prides himself on staying in shape. He says this is because he's a bartender and it helps his tips. I know those tips are mostly from women and, although I haven't seen him at work, would be willing to bet he flirts his way to better tips. And I'm certain he flirts in a way that makes each female feel special.

Yep, he's THAT kind of player. The non-cheesy kind that plays you before you realize you've been played.

I really enjoy knowing that he's out there playing the confident, assertive guy and wooing women when I know deep down all he really wants to do is be my little whore. I REALLY enjoy knowing that.

Then today babyboy tells me he's done dating girls. That he's all mine.

Part of me is thrilled he wants to give up dating for sport for me. But part of me liked knowing he was out there wrapping girls around his little finger. It amused me.

My boy, babyboy

D/s relationship status: former submissive

Relationship status:

Babyboy is one of the first potential submissives I developed a relationship with when I began to consider taking on submissives in the summer of 2008. He's originally from the mid-west and in his late-twenties. He's a bartender and law student.

Read blogs about babyboy.

Friday, December 11, 2009


Unless you've collared or been collared by the significant other of your dreams, you've probably experienced at least some of the frustration I've endured. It seems inevitable. I've made this lifestyle choice and while I really never doubt my choice, I often feel that I've condemned myself to frustration.

It seems as though the moments of frustration are coming more rapidly now. I spend so much time vetting candidates you'd think my dance card would be full of willing playmates. It's not.

I wish I could say it's because I'm too picky. Sure, I have my list of deal breakers (being married, for example) and my list of preferences (intelligent, young, physically fit), but mostly I'm pretty open to at least getting to know most potentials that find me. It just seems that during that process, most candidates turn out to be fakes or flakes.

If they impress and intrigue me after emails, IMs and phone calls, then we attempt to meet in real life. At that point my frustrations are largely centered around scheduling challenges.

Although these first meetings do not make me anxious at all, it seems there is so much pressure riding on things. Will he be hotter than his pics? A girl can only hope! Will there be some chemistry? Will he sit quietly or will he engage me? Will I discover I've wasted hours of my life talking to this boy who will never serve me?

Sometimes I know on the first meeting whether or not I crave a boy's submission. Sometimes I can even tell on the first phone call. Other times I walk away from an initial meeting thinking, "Yeah maybe." And then the frustration is waiting for the next meeting and hoping that I'll get a better reading of compatibility then.

When I've determined a candidate is suitable, when I begin to crave his submission, the next step is to play. At this point scheduling is the only frustration because planning the scene is pure joy. And really, we're talking less about frustration than we are about anticipation.

And then when it happens, when I play with a boy and everything clicks, it's beautiful and magical and it makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's like having the whole world at my feet and the frustrations aren't even worth mentioning.

After that the frustration surrounds any extenuating circumstances that keep us from playing again and from spending more time together. Sadly, it seems more often than not, some challenge arises.

I continue to hope that my frustrations will diminish. That I'll find someone who can fulfill my needs and make me physically and intellectually hot for them.

And so I sit here typing up this blog without a sub kneeling at my feet. I know he's out there, longing for this in the same way I do.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Potential subs say the sweetest things

Just one of the many sweet things I hear from potential subs (via IM).

You move me.....
not just Your potential.....
But who You are as a Woman now...
You make my heart race...
and mind swim....
and to just have coffee or tea with You
to see how You throw Your head back when You laugh....
how Your eyes sparkle....
to just listen and watch and listen more to You....

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Forced bi with fireboytoy and pk

I'd told fireboytoy I had something planned for him, a surprise. Of course he'd asked what it was but all I told him was that it was humiliation. He'd messaged me multiple times that day, anxious and aroused, but I refused to tell him what I had in store for him.

I arrived at his suite and spent a bit of time relaxing with fireboytoy, making small talk and increasing his anxiety until I could wait no longer. I had him strip as I unpacked my ropes noting how he looked at the satiny lengths longingly. It had only been a few days and he was ready to be back in my ropes again.

I tied him securely to a chair that I'd positioned in the middle of the seating area of the suite. He must have sensed when I rearranged the furniture so that the chair was in the center that he'd end up being the show, or at the very least a part of it.

I checked his bonds twice, maybe even three times, to ensure they were secure and comfortable. He verbally confirmed this multiple times and finally, after I was confident he would be safe in my ropes, I put the headphones to his iPod in his ears, slipped his blindfold over his eyes and gave him a soft, sensual kiss on the lips.

Minutes later I was kissing pk at the bar to the Mexican restaurant in the same resort. We caught up over margaritas for me, top shelf tequila for him and guacamole for us both. Two rounds and roughly 90 minutes later, we made our way back up the the suite.

I immediately went to fireboytoy who gasped and flinched at my touch. I ran my hands down his arms to check his bondage, then down his legs and back up again savoring how he trembled beneath my fingertips.

Then I went to change into lingerie and chatted with pk as he checked out the suite. I knew from my first scene with fireboytoy that he would be unable to hear precisely what we were saying but I hoped we were being loud enough that even with his earphones in and his iPod playing that he'd know I had someone else with me.

With pk in tow, I made my way back over to the boy so patiently waiting for me and whatever humiliation I had in store for him. I touched fireboytoy, watched him flinch again in surprise, then turned to grin at pk. I removed his earphones but left on his blindfold as I kissed him hard. I straddled his thigh and I know he could feel my excitement as I kissed his neck and shoulder.

pk sat on the sofa grinning and watching me taunt and tease fireboytoy. And then as I stood before the boy, kissing him, I felt pk behind me, licking me and I gasped against fireboytoy's mouth.  If he hadn't guessed there was someone else there with us before, that probably confirmed for him that there was AND that I was REALLY happy about that fact.

I enjoyed pk's attention for a bit as I clung to fireboytoy, sighing into his mouth, then I remembered the purpose of the evening. I left pk on his knees in front of fireboytoy as I circled around him. Letting my long hair slide over his shoulder, I ran my hands down his arms and over his chest as I stood behind him.

"Kiss him here," I said to pk, pointing at a spot on the inside of the boy's knee.

"Yes Mistress," pk said, smiling up at me as he leaned in to kiss fireboytoy's thigh. Fireboytoy may have sighed a bit, but he didn't protest.

"And here," I pointed to a spot on his abdomen.

"Yes Mistress," pk responded. I loved watching pk's full, soft lips kiss fireboytoy's skin.

I must have made pk kiss fireboytoy in a dozen places before I held fireboytoy's erect cock and said, "Kiss him here, right on the head of his cock."

I wish I could recall the exact response fireboytoy had. A gasp? A moan? I can't remember. But it was damn hot. Almost as hot as pk smiling up at me from the boy's cock.

pk was ready to suck fireboytoy's cock but I wanted to savor the moment as long as I could. I moved back to straddling his thigh where I had an excellent view and directed pk to lick and then suck fireboytoy's cock precisely the way I wanted him to.

All too soon fireboytoy whispered, "Mistress, I'm going to cum!" I quickly reached down and squeezed his cock. It was too late to stop him from cumming but not too late to ruin his orgasm.

pk looked up at me, flushed and expectant. "Lick it up!" I snapped at him, and he obediently licked fireboytoy's cum off the chair upholstery between fireboytoy's legs.

I kissed fireboytoy and left him tied to the chair as I showed pk out. A part of me knew I was giving up a chance to have both of them serve me together, in bed, but I wanted to make sure fireboytoy wasn't traumatized by his first forced bi experience. So pk left without fireboytoy ever seeing the face of the man who had just sucked his cock.

I untied fireboytoy and took him to bed to snuggle and do the aftercare thing. Knowing how ruined orgasms make him hornier than not cumming (mostly because I'd given him a ruined orgasm earlier in the week), I shouldn't have been surprised when our snuggling turned into him serving me.

Later, when we talked about the scene, I was a little surprised that fireboytoy seemed so accepting of what had happened. And also at how quickly he'd cum.  Then he told me something that explained both.

When I'd straddled him as he was tied with my wetness against his thigh, he'd felt my excitement. Knowing he was pleasing me and having that evidence pressed so hotly against his thigh had turned something that should have been unsavory for a straight guy into an erotic experience.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I find forced bi unbelievably hot.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Exactly where I'm supposed to be

This entry is a continuation of my previous entry, Having the whole world at my feet, about my first meeting with fireboytoy.

I removed his earphones but left the blindfold in place. I spoke to him softly, my voiced laced with need and a hint of a Southern accent.

I stood before him as he trembled, my hands on his face, and I wiped the sweat of his anxiety off his upper lip with my thumb. He thanked me breathlessly, a little embarrassed, and then I kissed him.

He didn't kiss me back at first, didn't make his mouth available to me and I backed away, confused.

"Mistress may I kiss you?"

"Of course," I giggled and then I kissed him again.

I don't know how long I teased him with my hands, my breath and my hair on his skin as he knelt there, but eventually I asked him to stand. I switched the rope cuffs securing his wrists so that his hands were in front of him and led him to lay face down across the coffee table.

Once I'd quickly tied his hands under the table, I proceeded to very slowly tie his chest to the table, his ankles to the bureau behind him and his thighs open and securely fastened to the legs of the coffee table.

I knew he was an ass virgin. I knew he'd never engaged in strap on play. And bent across the coffee table as he was, fireboytoy was perfectly positioned to be taken. And he knew it. Mind fuck #2 of the evening.

No, I didn't take his ass.

What I did was let him see my face for the first him as he was tied up in my ropes wondering if I'd donned my strap on. I sat on the sofa, nearly at his eye level, and slipped the blindfold off his face.

I don't remember what either of us said. I do remember though there was no anxiety on my part about what he'd think of me seeing my face in person for the first time. This was no ordinary first date after all. I had the world at my feet and him tied to the coffee table with a raging erection. Life was good. I felt confident, invincible and desirable and certain he'd feel the same.

And for maybe the first time in my life I had the overwhelming thought that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing precisely what I was meant to be doing.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Having the whole world at my feet

Typically I meet a new prospective sub in a vanilla environment at least once before engaging in any D/s play. However, the rapidly developed rapport that fireboytoy and I enjoyed made a rather unorthodox first meeting a real option for me for the first time.

He was waiting for me in his suite in one of the nicer strip resorts. Fireboytoy's wrists were bound in his own cuffs and he was blindfolded. To add to the sensory deprivation and to mask any noise I might make in the room, I had him wearing earphones to his iPod listening to music with the TV's providing additional ambient noise.

I arrived with a suitcase full of rope, toys and other goodies to find an envelope with a room key just under the door to his suite as we'd arranged. I let myself in to find the suite prepared exactly as I asked. A bottle of Riesling wine chilling with one glass poured. Towels positioned precisely where I asked. And one trembling man kneeling in the living area of the suite.

I quietly made my way towards him savoring my first view of my new boy. His trembling, his ragged breathing did nothing but excite me beyond reason and it was everything I could do to not touch him right away. I was able to resist for a few minutes as I checked out the suite and enjoyed a glass of wine.

Finally, I couldn't wait anymore. I lightly ran my hand though his hair and fireboytoy jumped at my touch, his breathing immediately becoming rapid. His response told me he'd had no idea I had been there.

My first task was to put him in my own cuffs. I slipped them on over his, and then removed his easily. Now he was mine and he knew it. Later he admitted this was the first major mind fuck of the night.

Mmmm gotta love the mind fuck.

After I had fireboytoy secured, I leaned in to smell him letting my long hair caress his bare shoulder while my hands explored him. Feeling his trembling under my fingertips empowered me in a way I can't begin to describe.

I tore myself away and left him to stew in his new level of anxiety. I enjoyed my wine as I changed into something that looked as sexy as I felt. I unpacked my gear and added carabiners to the bed frame in preparation to tie him to the bed later.

I found the CD player and inserted the CD of edgy, sexy music I use during scenes. Immediately I felt the comfort of my favorite tunes envelope me and I felt even more empowered. Using the remote, I opened the balloon curtains to the windows that overlook the Vegas skyline from 30 stories above and sashayed past an anxious, kneeling boy to the window. There, with my hands spread wide on the cool glass, it was like have more than one precious man kneeling at my feet; it was like having the whole world at my feet. I reveled in the feeling and couldn't stop myself from throwing my head back and laughing with giddiness.

And then I turned my attention back to the boy kneeling, trembling and waiting for me.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

How to pique my interest

Let's face it. There are way more male submissives than truly Dominant women. This allows me to be very particular about who I choose to date and/or play with.

I can't speak for every other femdom, but I can tell you what I like to see, what behavior from a man piques my interest in him and his submission.

1. Be honest.
You'd think this would be a given, but sadly, it is not. Your relationship status impacts what types of interaction I'll be interested in. I'm always open for friendship, even with married guys, but if you aren't upfront about your status and it becomes evident later that you have a significant other, I'll lose all interest in you altogether.

Relationship status isn't the only area where I expect honesty. You should be honest in every area. And don't just tell me what you think I want to hear. You can be respectful and honest at the same time.

2. Tell me about the vanilla you.
If you're contacting me, I'm going to assume you're kinky. I promise that we'll have lots and lots of discussions about those kinky desires, yours and mine, but for me to even want to bother learning more, I need to know about what kind of man you are outside the bedroom.

3. Don't send me unsolicited nude pics.
Physical attraction is important, no doubt. And yes, if I'm even remotely interested in you and your submission, I'll want to see pictures of you. When that time comes, don't send me pictures of your cock, please. While a beautiful cock is a plus, I need to see your face because if all goes well, I'll be spending much more time looking at it than your cock.

4. Be respectful but don't worry so much about D/s protocol.
I enjoy being called Mistress. I even like it when subs use the capitalized pronouns when referring to me in writing. However, I don't require it. When I'm ready for you to call me Mistress, I'll let you know. Until then you should just call me Lilyana or Miss but never baby, honey or anything overly familiar.

5. Tell me why you desire me.
This isn't about massaging my ego. This is about letting me know you appreciate the things about me that make me unique. It also lets me know you're paying attention.

6. Let me know you're thinking about me.
Very little pleases me more than knowing a man is thinking about me. A text, short email or well worded IM letting me know I'm on your mind tells me I'm more to you than a fleeting desire for kink.

7. Do what you say you're going to do.
If you tell me you're going to do something, just do it. I understand that sometimes life gets in the way, truly I do. And when that happens, communicate and let me know. Otherwise I expect you to do what you say you're going to do. Anything less will disappoint me.

8. Don't be a doormat.
I want a boy who will submit to my desires, particularly in the bedroom. But I also need to be able to respect him. A little fear displayed in a scene can be hot but I don't want to see any evidence you're easily intimidated. Show me a little playful spunkiness but do so respectfully and I will be intrigued.

9. Be intelligent. If you aren't, at least be able to keep up.
I don't expect every boy to be a rocket scientist, but you should be able to speak to me about a range of subjects and do so intelligently enough to prevent me from becoming bored. Witty banter gets me hot so the better you're able to engage me in a playful way, the more interested I'll be in you.

10. Manage your jealousy effectively.
I find as a general rule that prospective male subs are not a jealous bunch. And there is something sweet about a sub's interest in what I'm doing with other subs now or have done with them in the past. However, there's a line where that interest that seems so sweet becomes something that feels like jealousy.

There's nothing wrong with letting me know you know that other men desire me in the ways that you do. In fact, I love that. It reminds me that you appreciate me. But don't be creepy about it. Remember that I'm in charge here and while I'll certainly take your concerns into consideration, in the end, I'm the one who decides how and when I'll interact with other guys.

11. Be ready to read about yourself or be ready to never read my blog or never follow my tweets.
It takes a pretty special guy to take me on knowing that I'll be tweeting and blogging about my adventures with him. And my adventures with whatever other men and/or women I decide to spend time with while we're together. I'll certainly be respectful of your privacy and would never do anything that would "out" you in the real world. To do so would also "out" myself and that's unacceptable. However, I know what steps to take to protect myself and you and will do everything I can in that vein. You'll just have to trust me on that one.

I'll probably tell you when I write about you. I find that it often adds to the humiliation. I may even post your naughty pics or share them with my Domme friends. Be prepared to read any of the sordid details in our encounters. If this is too much for you, be prepared to know it's happening but never look at my writing or tweets.

This list is, by all means, not meant to be complete. I've gotta keep 'em guessing. ;)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Resources for budding femdoms

In yesterday's post, "Hope for male subs in vanilla marraiges" I suggested a couple of ways submissive males in vanilla marriages might be able to cultivate the "Domme within" their spouse. If that is successful, she'll need help and guidance or, at the very least, confirmation she's not alone.

I'd like to recommend Akasha's Web for resources for budding femdoms. Akasha has put together a collection of thoughtfully written suggestions and guidelines in the Women Only section of her wesbite. There are others sources, of course. I personally learned a lot from the BDSM Forum on Literotica but there is a lot to weed through to pull out the real gems. I only wish someone had pointed me toward's Akasha's Web!

It is certainly not the only site with good info, but I highly recommend it as a great place for women with domination aspirations to start.

Oh and Akasha's erotica isn't bad either. HOTT and full of great ideas.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hope for male subs in vanilla marriages

Trust me when I say there are a lot of married men who are submissive and their wives have no clue. I know because invariably, they find me, and other Dommes I'm sure, and want a woman to dominate them. A woman who is not their wife.

At first I was very sympathetic. Poor guy got trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't understand his special needs.

That's bullshit. Almost without exception the married men I've come across knew they were submissive before they married. They knew they craved the dominance of a woman and they chose someone who couldn't give it to them.

Or did they?

I have recently changed my theory on this subject. I now think that if a submissive man picked a woman to marry, she's probably got Dominant characteristics even if she's unaware of it.

And it's my theory that if a woman has Dominant characteristics and someone who will nurture and celebrate that within her, she just might evolve into a Domme with a bit of assistance.

So let's say you're a submissive male in a vanilla marriage. What do you do?

In an ideal world, you'd be able to sit down and rationally explain your kinky desires.

Does anyone live in an ideal world?

My fall back suggestion has always been to slowly introduce the wife to femdom porn. Not the forced bi, strap-on play or even extreme humiliation femdom porn you probably enjoy, not initially anyway. Perhaps you could ramp up to that, but some mild femdom porn could be a conversation starter for you anyway. "Honey that was really hot. Do you think you'd enjoy telling me what to do in bed sometime?"

Now I have a new suggestion - one that will make you her slave for a day or a weekend. If you play it right, maybe you could even turn it into a permanent gig.

Make a bet with your wife. Sports, weather related, whatever. Just make sure it's something you're sure to lose. The loser of this bet would then be required to serve as the other's slave for a designated period of time. A day. A weekend.

I'm guessing a vanilla woman with a slave at her disposal is immediately going to come up with house chores and maintenance for her new slave. And being the submissive male that you are, you'll probably even enjoy it.

But you can take it further. Ask her what you should wear while you do these chores for her. Be a good pet and thank her for your assignments. Kneel at her feet whenever you can. Offer to massage her, bring her favorite beverage to her while she relaxes without being asked. Basically, offer her a taste of what it's like to be in charge and be treated like the goddess she surely is.

If she has even a smidge of dominance in her, she'll adore being adored and served. You may even gradually be able to work in more sensual service activities. If nothing else, after the designated period of service you can let her know how much you enjoyed serving her and doing as she desired. Perhaps you can even suggest that you'd enjoy being told what to do to please her in bed.

You might not be able to fully cultivate the Domme within and establish a 24/7 relationship, but perhaps you could at the very least help her harness her feminine power in the bedroom.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

My boy, fireboytoy

D/s relationship status: former submissive

Relationship status:

Fireboytoy is an experienced submissive in his late 30's. He was in the process of moving to Las Vegas from the east coast when we met

Read blogs about fireboytoy

Thursday, October 22, 2009

'Sub shock' by @prokink

I've coined the term “sub shock” to describe the catharsis of emotions a sub experiences after doing something for me that shakes them to the core of their manliness.

No matter how many times it happens, it still catches me by surprise. A perfectly enthusiastic sub will occasionally completely freak out on me after a scene. They'll completely shut down and refuse to talk to me. It is particularly difficult with an online sub who will often go AWOL on me.

The first time this happened with me with my pet, I tried to find blogs written by male subs that address the conflicting feelings that arise from reconciling a man's desire to please with his masculinity. There were none.

@prokink, a male sub I met via twitter, volunteered to write on this subject from the male sub perspective. I hope that you find his insights helpful no matter which side of the flogger you're on.

I have been a lifestyle sub for over 14 years and have had vast experiences that have shaped and forged me into the person I am today. By far, the most difficult aspect for me in the beginning was dealing with emotional and mental issues resulting from humiliation and degradation play. More specifically, the emotional burden from strap-on play, panty play, dildo worship, etc...

I'm consider myself a fairly typical professional male- I am 6'-4” and 215 lbs, well spoken, educated and have never had an issue meeting woman. Great for me, eh? Well therein lies the issues that makes some aspects of submission quite difficult to deal with.

How could I reconcile the societal norms of being a man's man all the while wearing panties out in public, eating my own cum or get fucked mercilessly by a strap-on wielding Domme?

My experience with sub shock:

I had just started a wonderful relationship with a Domme and we were out at dinner together. I was 18 or 19 at the time and was a raging ball of hormones. I recall this beautiful girl walking across the room and I glanced at her for a second.

I looked back at my Domme and she smiled at me and asked, "Would you like to fuck her?"

I said, “Yes, Ma'am I would.” She smirked and we continued on with dinner. My fate had been sealed.

Fast forward a few hours and I found myself quite excited being naked, on my knees and awaiting my Domme. At that point, I had no idea this was to be a night I would never forget.

She came into the room, asked me to look at her and asked if I enjoyed disrespecting her at dinner. I knew EXACTLY what she was talking about and I apologized and said I didn't mean to. She said that it's okay, and that I was going to learn to appreciate that which I had in front of me.

I was bent over a bench and pounded by her strap-on for over 30 minutes with a condom on to prevent my goo from dripping everywhere. I was constantly being asked if this is exactly what I wanted to do to that girl at dinner. She asked me why was I crying and whimpering when she was just doing the exact thing I wanted to do to the girl.

Needless to say it was the longest, most humiliating 30 minutes of my life.

She said the best part of sex is the orgasm and that she wanted me to cum, and I gleefully did. It was the only distraction from the discomfort and burning of her constant pounding.

When I came, she pulled out and asked me to remove the condom and look at it. She then took the condom from my hand and leaned over and whispered into my ear that I wasn't finished yet and that I was to swallow the mess. I objected and she said that wasn't a democracy and to open wide.

She laughed, and dumped the contents of the condom down my throat. I gagged and coughed all the while she was berating me for being so inconsiderate to her and that I was just being treated like a good little slut.

She concluded the session and began a bit of aftercare. I shut down and asked if I could be alone. I began to cry. I was angry, humiliated, sad, confused and incredibly hurt.

A line had been crossed. I had been fucked in the ass and I swallowed cum. I had crossed the line into "homosexual" behavior and don't know how it happened.

I fought this in my mind for weeks. Am I now gay? What are my friends going to think if they find out? Why did she do this so me and why/how did I let it happen? Was I wrapped up in the moment? Was I gay and this finally drew it out of me?

I had questions like this for WEEKS. I spoke with my Domme about it and even then I didn't feel any better about the situation. I couldn't reconcile that night with all of the emotional issues it had conjured up. I took me a long time to come to terms with all of the barriers that had been torn down.

During our conversations I kept telling her things that just didn't make sense. Then she asked me two questions that drew it all together for me:

Did I love her and what did that mean to me in terms of submission?

I responded yes and it meant that I would do anything i was capable of to please her. She smiled and reassured me that night, I did exactly that.

Here is what I learned and what helped me reconcile my humiliation, anger and confusion ...
  1. It's not about me. EVER.
  2. My submission to her is a gift, her acceptance of it is a gift as well. It is a special and finite element of our relationship.
  3. My mission is to please her. Trust dictates that her being happy is in my best interest and that my well being is her concern as well. In other words, if she's happy, you'll be happy.
  4. Her violation of my body was demonstrative proof that I was serious about HER. It was a selfless act and that is the very essence of submission. Being selfless to please her.
  5. The very private, intimate things we did were between HER and me. Not between society's norms and us, not what my friends think and us. It was just her and me with no deeper meaning than it was Her will.
  6. When I am humiliated, I am humbled. When I am humbled, I am checking my macho bullshit at the door. When it's checked at the door I am focusing on her. When I focus on her, I AM A BETTER MAN. 
  7. When I have my limits pushed, I am demonstrating dedication to her. Words mean nothing. Action is all that counts.
  8. It wouldn't be domination if I only got what I wanted. See rule #1.
  9. When I am uncomfortable - Wearing panties under my clothes, wearing a chastity belt all week, sleeping on the floor in my own house, walking around with humiliating words written in marker all over my body, eating dinner from a bowl on the ground with no hands - I am distracted from day to day things and I am thinking of her. When I am devoting time to thinking about her I am a better sub, I am a better man.
  10. She wants a happy, dedicated sub as much as you want a dedicated Domme.
If you are a sub, remember that when you're confused or freaking out because of a scene, your servitude is being tested and your discomfort means that your limits are being pushed. Relax, this is a great thing and just focus on pleasing your Dom/me. S/he will take care of the rest. :)

Many thanks to @prokink for volunteering to write this and for sharing what must be such intimate thoughts and feelings with my readers.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Akasha's chastity training for my brit

My brit has flaked on me twice. The first time I chalked it up to newby nerves and gave him a second chance. The second time, I felt I couldn't take him back no matter how much he begged and pleaded.

And let me tell you, my brit is VERY good at begging.

My brit was considering doing Akasha's training class. This session's theme is "Relentless" and it focuses on chastity. I encouraged him to do the training because I know Akasha and feel like her training would be a safe way for him to engage in submission even without submitting to one Domme in a way that he was officially owned.

He continues to be sincere about wanting to come back to me. Knowing how brutal Akasha's training would be, I made my brit a deal. If he can successfully complete Akasha's chastity training, I will consider taking him back.

Training began Friday. The first lesson instructs "You do not have to put on your chastity device yet, and, in fact, I want you to jerk off 5 times each day for the next two days. But no cumming."

Below is the IM conversation I had with my brit as he was completing his first assignment.
my brit: God I need to cum now
Mistress Lilyana: Hehehe
Mistress Lilyana: You won't cum for a month LOL.
my brit: Really?!
Mistress Lilyana: Um yeah. You're in chastity training. What did you think that meant? LOL.
my brit: Too late to back out now
Mistress Lilyana: Good answer!
my brit: But I am feeling tempted already to cum!
my brit: It's very difficult
my brit: oh dear i've made a big wet spot on my knickers already!
Mistress Lilyana: Hehehe
His  knickers, by the way, are very cute pink bikini panties with black polka dots that tie on the sides with black ribbon.

As the conversation continued, my brit only continued to get worked up much to my delight. I could't help but ask the obvious:
Mistress Lilyana: Will it be worth it?
Mistress Lilyana: Doing all this so that I can torture you again?
my brit:  It will be worth every pang of desire I have to cum, every shade of red I turn as I humiliate myself, and every single last second I spend completing this training

THAT is why my brit is earning another chance with me. :)

THIS is why he amuses me so:
my brit: You;'ll let me cum more than once a month though right?;)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Poetry from a prospective sub

The following poem was sent to me by a prospective sub I have been speaking with. I thought this was so nice that I wanted to share it with my blog readers, with his permission of course.
In this moment, I am alive again
This moment when She enters the room
A whisper that becomes a caress
Sweet words that bind me
She is stern serenity
A merciful Goddess
Once I sought escape
No longer
All roads lead inevitably to her
I am eternally grateful
I see the purity in her eyes
And I am lost
She raises her hand to me
Whether to praise or punish me, I do not care
I am Hers

Sunday, October 11, 2009

FWB with my FMT

If you follow my blog or my tweets, you'll probably know about the saga with my FMT, the only vanilla-ish guy I've dated this year.

The short story is we dated, but not exclusively, broke up after nearly 8 months then decided to be friends. When we saw each other after that, it was clear things between us weren't through. We were unable to keep our hands off each other and although I didn't let things progress, I remembered how incredible our chemistry is and wanted to experience that again. And again.

After some discussion, we decided to be friends with benefits. For those of you not familiar with the term, friends with benefits (FWB) are friends who may a have sexual relationship or near sexual relationship without expecting a more formal or traditional relationship as a goal.

Being FWBs is something I'm very good at. When I know things can't progress beyond enjoying each other's friendship and enjoying each other in bed, I'm able to separate my emotions from everything and simply enjoy what we have.

In the past the FWB arrangement has worked particularly well for me with women. We get to enjoy each other's deliciousness without the trials and tribulations, hopes and fears and other crap that goes along with full fledged relationships.

Being FWBs with my FMT is also a good choice because I can satisfy my carnal needs with someone I know and trust. In my old age I've begun to turn my nose up at casual sex. I never was really a fan anyway.

Last Monday night, we test drove our new FWB relationship. The sex was just as yummy as I remember it being when we were dating and in many ways, I sensed it was even more intimate.

Yes I said it. Intimate. Intimate sex with the guy who has intimacy issues. *eye roll*

I refuse to read into that and will accept things at face value. It was super hot nearly vanilla sex with a guy with which I have great chemistry. And I'll leave it at that and just hope for more.

I guess you could say the saga with my FMT ends here as it is both our intent to ensure our arrangement remains drama free.

Do I believe that? Maybe. Part of me sincerely hopes that it is true. Most of me. It would be beautifully simple if we could pull it off. Why wouldn't I want to keep my FMT as a friend with those yummy benefits while I'm waiting for the boyfriend/sub of my dreams to appear?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Furniture I must acquire

I'm pretty sure that I desperately need this Tantra Chair to become part of my home. It could use some tie down points but other than that, it's pretty much perfect. Check out the Tantra Chair website for more info and hot pics.

And no, they aren't paying me to endorse their product. But if they wanted to send me a sample to test drive, I'm thinking they should send the models along with it. That would ensure a raving review from me!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Cumboy's last cock shopping assignment

This was the last assignment that cumboy did for me before he decided to decided he needed to spend time in the southwestern jungles of Tanzania rescuing orphaned chimps. Or something like that.

One morning in early September, I asked cumboy to boy put on the girliest sissy panties he has and tie a pretty bow around his little "clit." Then, while he was rubbing himself through his pretty panties, I had him cock shopping for me.

This was not cumboy's first time cock shopping for me and he's become rather good at it. He was on craigslist and had sent me a picture of a beautiful cock within a matter of minutes. He's cock shopped for me enough that he knows precisely what kind of cock will please me. (Pictured left)

Then I asked him to message the cock's owner. This is what he sent:

Hello Sir,

i came across your ad on Craigslist today and i wanted to tell you how pretty your cock is. I would really enjoy sucking it in front of my Mistress while wearing frilly panties (attached photo). As we believe that cocksuckers should wear panties.

i also wanted to let you know that i am wearing a bow around my cock all day (attached photo) for you to remind me how much of a sissy cocksucker i am.

Thank you,
Cumboy spent the remainder of the day with his clit tied up and in a state of erection or semi erection. Of course this was immensely arousing for me, too.

Cumboy isn't really in Tanzania. There may be orphaned chimps in need of rescuing, but he's not the one doing it. We still talk nearly every day and will probably always be friends. I miss him calling me Mistress. However, I know for a fact I can still make him blush even without cock shopping assignments. And probably always will.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Four weeks ago I ended an eight month long, on again off again casual dating relationship with my FMT. It was time. I was done being treated badly by him.

I wasn't prepared to feel the loss I experienced. My FMT and I weren't exclusive and we didn't even see each other regularly. The loss I felt didn't make sense to me.

Shortly thereafter we decided to be friends. We've texted and talked a bit, but last night was the first night I've actually seen him since we broke up four weeks ago.

It was billed as an opportunity for my FMT to show me his new home and meet his new dog, but somehow I sensed his flirting was a bit beyond the friendship lines we'd established. I KNEW I was walking into a situation fraught with danger. Danger of things crossing the friendship line.

When I arrived, I did everything I could to avoid looking at him and his new dog provided an excellent opportunity. Then he had to show me around the house, of course. Then there was the search for a wine bottle opener. Then there was no activity left, no way to avoid sitting on the sofa together.

Within moments his hands were on me. I brushed them aside and scolded him.

"Why can't I touch your leg?"

"Because we're FRIENDS."

"And you don't let friends touch your leg?"


"Why can't I pinch your nipple?"

"Because we're FRIENDS."

"And you don't let friends pinch your nipple?"

"NO!" (This would not be entirely true. I do allow hot women friends to pinch my nipples but that's a different blog)

Conversations like this peppered the evening in between rounds of him aggravating me - my FMT's favorite sport. I moved his hand off of various parts of my body over and over. And then a few times I left it somewhere fairly harmless.

I mean really. Can I totally blame him for trying to touch me? I was looking far too hot to be seeing someone I used to date.

He leaned in for a kiss and managed to catch himself. THAT amused me more than the smart ass remark he fired off about me not wanting him to kiss me.

After splitting a bottle of wine, I did relax enough and allow myself to cuddle up to him. This was after he'd tried about four times to get his arms around me. Within moments on putting my head on his chest, I could feel him breathing a bit faster and hear his heart rate increase.

I almost got up and left right then, I swear. Instead I smirked and enjoyed it and perhaps even let a sigh or two escape.

When I did leave, I couldn't resist giving my FMT a gigantic hug. A long hug. Of course when I ended the hug I turned quickly and made me way to my car and avoided looking at him.

I can't remember what my FMT said as I got into my car. It was antagonistic and suggestive of me leaving with things unfinished. I wish I could remember what it was.

Whatever he said, it had me out of my car seat and kissing him in a split second.

I did manage to tear myself away and go home after that. I'm quite proud of myself and my ability to have driven away when I KNOW I could have raced him for his bed leaving a trail of clothes across his new house. Hell, I'd still probably be there christening each room.

But I drove away thinking, "Clearly we are not done."

The highlight of the evening was when my FMT said, "You know since we have become "friends" (he made air quotes with his hands), I sure can see the Dominatrix coming out in you."

I find it amusing that he's noting this now. Perhaps it's because I spent the evening in control. I pushed off his advances until I was ready. I asked him to pour the wine when I was thirsty and make me food when I was hungry. And I kissed him on MY own terms (even if he goaded me into it).

I have no idea what will happen with my FMT and me. He's got some issues he needs to address within himelf before he's ready to date anyone again. And it'll take me a while before I'm ready to believe he can date me without being an ass to me.

What I do know is that he's met the real Lilyana now, the one who's always in control. Well usually anyway. ;) And Lilyana doesn't take shit from him or anyone.

I'm not sure he'll like this Lilyana in the long run, but clearly he finds her irresistible now.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Taking a break from dating

In January of this year, I decided if I was going to date, I should date submissive men. After a few short months of exploring my dominance, I realized it was something I wouldn't be able to live without and that I'd probably never be happy without some type of D/s relationship in my life.

I changed my FetLife and CollarMe profiles to be very specific about what I'm looking for. In a nutshell, I want a relationship with the potential to become long term with someone who is Dominant in their everyday life but who will submit to me in the bedroom.

For the most part, being specific has kept the riff raff, flakes and married subs at bay. Even so, since January I've spoken with countless male subs and been on more first dates than I can recall.

It's VERY nice to feel wanted, to know I'm desired, but it is also exhausting.

During most of this time, I've also been dating my FMT, a pseudo vanilla guy I met just prior to deciding I shouldn't be dating any 'nillas. And even though we weren't serious or exclusive, our break up three weeks ago put me into a bit of a tail spin that I was not expecting.

So it's a good time to take a step back and focus on myself without the challenge of dating.

Does that mean that if Mr. Wonderful came along I'd turn him down? LOL. Hell no! I'd tie that boy up and make him mine! What it means is that I'm not looking for him and if he finds me, he may find getting my attention to be a bit challenging.

But then there are my BDSM cravings ...

Honestly, since I came to this decision, my cravings for bondage, D/s and other kinks seems to have increased.

No, I don't plan to deny myself. I still have pk, my RL sub, cumboy and my brit, my two online subs, to satisfy my needs. However, I can do that without the complications of dating.

Monday, August 31, 2009

My brit's mantra

A few of weeks ago I began chatting with a boy from England. He is charming and flattering in a very sincere and endearing way and I've grown quite fond of my brit over time.

Recently I've begun "thinning the herd" as I call it. I've cut a few boys from my "stable" (I hate that term) and have let a few others wander away. I hesitate to take on any new ones, even charming ones with British accents. However, my brit won me over when he wrote what he dubbed a mantra for me.

Every night before he goes to bed and every morning before he starts his day, my brit kneels at the foot of his bed with his head bowed and says the following:
I am Mistress Lilyana's boy.
All that I do is with her in mind.
She is a Goddess,
She is THE Goddess,
And my life is lived to please her.
Just reading that again gets me wet wet wet. *sigh*

Within a few days of beginning the ritual of saying the mantra twice daily, my brit reported that it was becoming an automatic thing for him. Automatic, but still erotic for him. "It gets me hard every time, but I don't even realize it until I finish. Kind of like a trance. It's tough to explain."

He reports that his libido has soared. "Seriously ... I've not been this horny since I was 14!"

As for me, well, I've got a thing for accents. So when my brit volunteered to send me an audio clip of him talking to me, I immediately knew that I wanted to hear the mantra spoken in his voice with his beautiful British accent.

And lemme tell you. It's better than porn for me! I've listened to it countless times, over and over again.

What makes my brit's mantra even hotter is that he devised this without any prompting from me.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's hot as hell and I love it. I just can't take credit for thinking of it. And I'm unimaginably flattered that he chooses to honor me in this way.

My boy, my brit

D/s relationship status: submissive

Relationship status: friends

My brit lives in Northwestern England and is in his mid twenties. He discovered me online and pursued me sweetly but diligently. He won me over with his delicious accent, boyish charm and desire to please.

My brit plays rugby regularly and enjoys the idea of me owning cocks all over the world. You could say that our interests are very similar. :)

Read blogs about my brit.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sharing a girl with pk

About a month ago I met a delightful and very hot woman at a fabulously kinky party that I thought would enjoy meeting pk so I invited her over to his house the following day for an afternoon of lounging around the pool.

A little back story: pk is my sub and we adore each other but we don't really date each other. We're always on the look out for each other's mister or misses right. When I saw this lady flogging a boy just moments after being released from being tied up at the party, I'd hoped maybe I'd found someone for pk's switchy self.

So we spent a Sunday afternoon drinking and chatting pool side with some friends. She wanted to be tied up again so I even dragged out the rope and happily obliged her and then tied up pk for good measure.

After our friends left, she, pk and me began to play, first in the shower and then in pk's very comfy though not bondage friendly bed.

She had never been with a woman before and I was only too happy to be her first. As we became wrapped up in each other, pk got shoved none to0 gently to the side and what started as a threesome turned into pk watching us.

Don't pity him though. He got to see two hot chicks and some strap on action.

It was beautiful, as is always the case when two women are intimate. She enjoyed my strap on more than any cock she'd had before and wasn't afraid to share that with pk and me. I also enjoyed the irony of me whipping it out to use on her our first time when pk has not yet had the opportunity to even suck my strap on yet. I'm sure he was jealous not only that I was fucking this beautiful woman but also longing to be the one receiving my strap on himself.

In the after glow of our girl on girl action, she and I snuggled up in bed. I asked pk to fetch his metal dog dish and then masturbate for our entertainment.

She and I spooned naked and while I dished out "helpful" comments and instructions to pk while he touched himself. Then she turned to me and began kissing me again.

pk begged to cum like the good little slut that he is and we paused our making out long enough to watch him shoot his cum into the doggie dish. Then she watched fascinated as pk lapped his cum out of the doggie dish from the floor.

pk is a good is a good boy. A lucky boy too. I dare say there aren't too many Dommes out there that bring their subs girls to share.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Sadistic me

For some reason, this picture makes me inexplicably happy.

Two years ago, before I recognized my dominance, I would have been shocked and appalled to see this picture. One year ago, before I truly embraced my inner sadist, I would have been intrigued. Six months ago, I would have had a morbid fascination with the photo. Even three months ago I would have been making a shopping list ... wooden dowels, rubber bands, chain, metal ring ...

Now it simply makes me happy.

I guess you could say that learning that I'm a sadist has been a bit of a journey for me. From the pride I first experienced when I saw my hand print on the inside of 6's thigh the first time we played, maybe I knew the path would lead this way.


Truth be told, I never would have guessed in a million years how much I'd enjoy seeing others in pain as well as inflicting it.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Desiring forced bi vs. actually being bi

If you're a truly submissive man, a desire to suck cock for a Dominant woman doesn't make you bisexual. In fact, in my opinion, actually enjoying forced bi activities doesn't even make you bisexual.

What male subs have to ask themselves is this, "Do I desire to be sexually intimate with another man without being forced or encouraged by a Dominant woman?"

If your answer is no, I would not consider you bisexual.

Read my other blogs about forced bi.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Is he submissive or just kinky?

I've spoken with a lot of submissive guys in the short year since I realized I'm Dominant. A lot. And I've spoken with a few guys who THINK they're submissive who are really not.

Last fall I was contacted via collarme by a good looking, in shape boy in his mid thirties. In his very first email he explained his (one and only) submissive fantasy. He was looking for someone who would "own" his orgasm. Someone who would have him come over to their place, spit on him and tell him he is impotent without them. This spit should be induced by Jolly Ranchers, by the way.

I'm not kidding you.

We corresponded briefly as I tried to explore other submissive types of activities with him to gauge his interest. He flatly refused to consider anything else except strap on play to which he said, "Yes, I guess I'd be ok with you taking my ass every now and then."

I didn't realize it then, but when I ran across him a couple of months ago again, I instantly realized it: he simply has kinky fantasies. He is in no way submissive because he has no desire to please me, only satisfy his own kinks.

At first it was difficult to differentiate between the two but now I can tell fairly easily. In the case of "How NOT to win my heart and earn my attention," I suspected in the very first email that the boy was not submissive and simply entertained kinky fantasies.

The following are snippets from actual messages I've received that indicate a desire for fetish, not submission:
I am writing because you sounded open, honest, and willing to give and take. Some things you are interested in and some things I am. I also look for things that I would like to explore like queening. I look at photo's on the internet and I would like to try it full body weight. As your actual chair. Could I really breath? Won't know till I try. I also think about actually drinking pee. Don't know if you are open to this or not.
He's managed to say "I" nine times in just one paragraph. In this first correspondence he's telling me all about what he wants and nothing about fulfilling my desires.
Like I said in my first letter. I will do things for you and you some for me. I would be willing to take you places, shows, dinner, ball games, comedy clubs. Just have fun. In return you use me as your furniture, worship your body, toilet for urine.
Oh gee thanks! He's willing to take me places HE wants to go in exchange for me doing the things to HIM that HE desires.

On the other hand, here are messages that give me clear indication that the sender is truly submissive:
I have discovered that serving a stronger and more powerful Mistress is my escape and desire. I am totally compliant in her control, giving all I can to please and totally surrendering all my power to her to use in any way.
This boy not only understands submission, he can articulate what it means to him and that is SO hot!
To me submission is mainly mental ... the high end punishment is beyond what I desire. Do not get me wrong, I do enjoy spanking, nipple play, some restraints, but to me, it cannot just "be" that. Rather the emotional and mental application is far more powerful to me. I need a strong bond of attachment and am open to "anything" that brings you pleasure and delight, whether it is physical, sexual, or emotional.
I have no issue with a prospective sub verbalizing his desires and limits. I welcome it. But in this case, even when discussing his desires and limits, he's putting my desires first.

A true submissive finds their own pleasure in pleasing their Dominant. They may have specific activities they enjoy but pleasing their Dominant is the one thing that turns them on the most.

In my opinion, anything less is simply kinky desire.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

With every goodbye, we learn

In between giving me off menu treatments at his spa Sunday, my FMT decided to really tell me how he feels about me. It was unexpected and honestly a bit overwhelming.

I little back story: my FMT and I started dating 8 months ago. Over that time we've seen each other an average of every other week and talked or texted once or twice each week. We weren't dating each other exclusively and we were both pretty happy with things that way. He knows of my D/s proclivities and that I date submissive guys too. He's very open minded and pretty kinky himself but is not submissive. In fact, he's the only guy I've dated in quite some time that isn't submissive.

My FMT has some intimacy issues and I've known this all along. We've talked several times about taking things to the next level in our relationship and even just seeing more of each other, but his inability to allow anyone to become close to him was always a road block.

It was this road block that we discussed again Sunday. He seemed more open with me than he had ever been before about his feelings for me but I was still skeptical.

So when I saw my FMT last night, I shouldn't have been surprised at how things ended up, I guess.

Rather than rehash the evening, let's just say he was not very nice to me. He was, in fact, quite an asshole. When it became evident that he was doing all he could to drive me away, I got up and left.

In case my leaving wasn't clear, I followed up with a text (when he didn't answer me call) letting him know I was done been treated that way, done with him. Today I received a text of apology saying we shouldn't see each other anymore because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

Everything has been leading to this, despite the occasional declaration of affection from my FMT from time to time. It's the right thing. He doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to be hurt. However, it still hit me hard.

That's an understatement actually. I wasn't prepared to feel quite so upset about ending things. It had to be done. It did. But it has been way worse than I could have imagined. I rarely got to spend time with him yet I miss him already. I keep thinking that I'm not ready to lose him yet I never really had him.

Women are notoriously bad about staying with men who treat them badly. Even I have been guilty of this in the past. However, as a Dominant woman, I've grown used to being treated well and cherished by men. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm spoiled, but I'm definitely getting there.

So when my FMT's asshole side emerged, it was so glaringly obvious to me because it was such a contrast to how I've grown used to being treated.

I'm truly sorry that my FMT has these demons that prevent him from growing close to anyone, particularly me, but I'm not going to allow anyone to hurt me or treat me badly.

One thing my Dominance has taught me is that there are many men who are ready, willing and able to adore and cherish me. I don't need to tolerate being treated any way but very well. No woman should, Dominant or not.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hot oil and off the menu spa treatments

pk bought a Birdlock chastity device a few weeks ago and gave me the keys. The fit wasn't great so he can't wear the device. Still, he agreed to remain chaste to me.

A little back story here on pk and me: We met several months ago and dated. Things didn't work out and we've remained very close friends and we play on occasion. We both are free to date other people.

Should have figured that the dating thing and the chastity thing MIGHT eventually become an issue.

Two weeks ago I met a beautiful woman at a beautifully kinky party. We hit it off and I soon realized she might be a great match for pk. So I invited her over to his house the next day to relax around the pool.

She's beautiful, funny and kinky - just the kind of person who fits in well with my group of beautiful, funny, kinky friends. Sure enough, she and pk hit it off and an afternoon at the pool evolved into an evening of kinky fun for her, pk and me. Well, mostly for her and me but pk got to watch. ;)

The following week I knew that she and pk had made contact and were hoping to get together. Saturday morning pk confirmed that they'd spent Friday night together, him utilizing his switchiness on her and letting her experience some BDSM delights. She adores being tied up, among other things.

pk told me they'd had lots of fun but that he'd remained chaste to me. She was still at his house and the fun was to continue.

The following day he admitted he'd "messed up." Too much tequila and kinky fun Saturday night and he'd not only violated his agreement to remain chaste, he'd also cum without permission.

Yes, I know I brought her to him. It wasn't a trick. I really do want him to find the right woman that he can be happy with. Hell, I'm totally willing to help him in that endeavor. However, his commitment to remain chaste was still in effect. I'd have been happy to give him permission if he'd just asked.

He broke his commitment. I had to punish him.

Dominants know you can't punish a submissive by spanking them or humiliating them. These are things submissives usually enjoy. Punishment should be something they don't enjoy. You can't reward bad behavior.

I decided that an effective punishment should be one that I enjoy and that he does not. What could I enjoy more than a nice long, expensive spa treatment on his dime? How about a spa treatment AND having him clean my house while I'm gone!

And what could be better than that? Well it just so happens that my FMT (Favorite Massage Therapist), who I have been dating for nearly 8 months, is a ... well ... massage therapist a resort spa near my home.

So I gave pk very specific instructions to call that particular spa and book a package of treatments which included a scrub, hydrating body wrap, facial and massage. I directed pk to book it with my FMT, who I'm sure I'd mentioned by name before. However
pk failed to make the connection when he booked the appointment which was just fine with me.

pk showed up well before my appointment time today and I got him started cleaning before I left. I had hot pink and blue panties with cherries on them for his uniform. They're two sizes too small and just hilarious on him.

On my way to the spa, I texted pk: "How does it feel to know you're paying another man to put his hands all over me for my pleasure?"

His response: "Great!"

My text: "I wonder if I'll get a rub and tug. Or lick, as the case may be." ('Rub and tug' is what many call a massage with a happy ending.)

His response: "I hope he really does pleasure you and it's a rub and tug!"

Precious, precious boy is my pk!

I'd managed not to tell my FMT about my scheme although I'm terrible at keeping surprises a secret. I'd had pk book the treatment under an assumed name so when he realized I was his 2:00 appointment, he was pleased and surprised.

His first order of business was drilling me for information. If you've read any of my previous blogs about my FMT, you'll remember he's a bit of a handful. Eventually I did reveal that the treatment was a gift from a sub who was being punished and that sub was also cleaning my house at that moment.

He seemed amused and maybe even a bit pleased about his role in things as he started the scrub portion of my treatment. After enjoying his talented hands massaging scented scrub and hot oils into my skin, he rinsed me and took me to his treatment room.

My FMT had me lay face down on his massage table. I was ready to feel his hands on me some more when instead I felt him climb on the table over me and his lips on my back. Somehow he'd slipped out of his clothes while I waited, my sneaky FMT.

No, I'm not going to tell you ALL the details of what happened next. Let's just say the treatments I received thereafter were NOT on the menu and there was hot oil involved.

The oil wasn't the only thing that was hot either.

On my way home, I texted pk and teased him about how well things went at the spa. At first he didn't believe me. And when I arrived at home to my VERY well cleaned house, there was one very curious boy in panties waiting for me to tell him just how it was that I managed to get lucky with a massage therapist. No licensed massage therapist is going to risk their license and their livelihood for a little action on the table, right?

After dodging his questions for a short while, pk eventually figured out the only logical explanation was that I knew the massage therapist personally. And then I reminded him just how personally I actually knew my FMT.

So yes, I feel like quite the Goddess today. I got my sub to not only pay for another man to pleasure me, I also got a clean house out of the deal.

My FMT had fun providing off the menu treatments AND received a nice tip out of the deal. pk is a generous guy after all.

pk ... well ... he got to look cute in panties with cherries on them while he cleaned my house and send me to a spa for the afternoon. And don't forget the delicious woman I gift wrapped and brought to him so that he could violate his chastity agreement.

Seriously though, pk was actually impressed that his $170+ tip got me so much pleasure. Apparently a rub and tug is $100 and doesn't include the kinds of treatments I received.

Or hot oil.

How NOT to win my heart and earn my attention

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Saturday, August 8, 2009

Breaking in my new boy chewtoy

As soon as he walked in, I pushed chewtoy up against the door and pinned his hands above his head. I pressed myself against him and just leaned in to nuzzle his neck, finally close enough to be able to slowly inhale his scent. I ran my hands under his shirt, over his chest and around to his back and asked him, "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes Mistress," he said automatically.

I released him and we sat and drank and talked for ages until I couldn't take the anticipation anymore. I ordered him to remove his shirt while I grabbed my rope cuffs. In seconds I had his hands bound and behind his head and I was straddling his lap.

I teased him like that for a while, touching him and eventually kissing and biting him while I ground myself against his lap. I removed the rest of his clothes and teased him some more before my need to see him in more rope could no longer be suppressed.

I tied chewtoy to my coffee table, legs spread, arms above his head and back arched. He clearly enjoyed even the tying process, the feel of the satiny ropes gliding across his body slowly.

And boy do I enjoy seeing a boy in rope. Mmmmm.

I left him after I tied him securely and when I came back a few minutes later, I was pleased to see his excitement was still evident. chewtoy had tried to escape while I was away and his struggle had just excited him more.

I teased him like this, bit him, kissed him and let him enjoy my riding crop on the insides of his thighs. I thoroughly enjoyed everytime he flinched and every moan just made me wetter.

I took a short bathroom break and returned a few minutes later with my panties in hand. I slipped the black lace over his head and he was in heaven enveloped in the scent of my excitement. (He later mentioned this was the highlight of the evening for him.) While he enjoyed that, I continued my cycle of teasing and torture until his shoulders were begining to hurt from the bondage.

I slowly untied him, letting the ropes slip against his skin. Just as I removed the rope that had bound his rope cuffs to the coffee table, chewtoy put his still bound hands behind me head and pulled me to him for a searing kiss. The intimacy of this simple gesture was WAY OFF the hotness meter and was easily the highlight of MY evening.

Then I pulled my black lace panties off his face and allowed him firsthand knowledge of how delicious I smell and taste.