Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Am I polyamorous?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past 3 years.

First I learned I am bi sexual. Mmmm that was a deliciously welcome discovery. The thrill I felt when she first said, "I think I might have a crush on you" has evolved into something I enjoy more than I ever imagined.

Then I learned I am Dominant or rather 6 identified it in me and encouraged it. This changed the way I look at men and honestly, life in general.

Both of these things have become an integral part of me.

Lately I've done a lot of introspection trying to figure out who this bi Dominant Lilyana is, how to integrate those aspects of her into her existing life and what will make her happy.

When I consider my future, obviously I don't see myself in a conventional relationship. There will be kinky aspects to be sure, possibly D/s. But lately I'm seeing clear indications that there may be more than one unconventional relationship in my future.

According to alt.polyamory, Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved.

If I consider that definition, I'm definitely poly because even if I find Mr. Right tomorrow, I'll want to keep a female FWB (friends with benefits). Now that I've sampled the deliciousness that is known as woman, I don't think I can go without. And I don't want to always share that with a man, even the elusive Mr. Right.

Is there even a Mr. Right for me? My ONE? I've begun to think maybe there isn't one single person who can satisfy all my intellectual and physical desires, particularly the kinky ones.

I adore submissive men and can easily see having one in my life. At the same time, I'm still thrilled by the type of equal partnership I experienced with my FMT over the year we dated and can easily see a pseudo vanilla guy like him in my life. A consort, if you will.

And then there's the need to have a delicious woman around to satisfy my need for soft yumminess from time to time.

So I'm poly. Simple enough right?

Anyone who is polyamorous will tell you that there are challenges. Relationship challenges, just like any other, certainly, but also challenges regarding how to integrate this lifestyle into your vanilla life. What do you tell and not tell your friends and family? How do you address this with your potential partners? What are the dynamics like when you have multiple partners?

These are all questions I'm asking myself and those I know engaged in the lifestyle. I'm reading and researching and will continue to do so.

What does this change for me right now?

Very little actually. I am dating both vanilla and submissive men and I'm upfront with them about the fact that I'm seeing other men. I also let them know I expect them to be supportive of my kinky endeavors, even if they aren't include in them. So far I've been pleasantly surprised at how easy it has been to find guys, kinky AND vanilla, who are open to this kind of arrangement. Nothing has evolved into a long term relationship yet but I'm hopeful and am willing to be patient.

I have a female sub I also consider my FWB. Although admittedly, no guy has yet to protest this arrangement and I don't anticipate this being an issue.

So basically the only thing that this revelation changed is my outlook on my future. I'm not longer worried about finding my ONE. And I'm no longer worried about whether or not my ONE is submissive or if I need someone I consider my equal as my ONE. This releases me to enjoy the fabulous men and boys (and females) who wander into my life for what they are and what we have together without the pressure of monogamy and "commitment."

Is this really a revelation? Apparently only to me. Upon telling one of my pseudo vanilla best friends, she exclaimed, "Really? Really? How could you not know you're poly! It's like you've been taking all of the classes all along and just never declared your major."


  1. In your view, what percentage of women are actively bisexual, dominant and polyamorous? How many more are but don't know it yet, or know it and refuse to admit it?

  2. I've started a thread on FetLife to ask other local Dommes what they think about this.

    In my experience, most other Dommes are also poly and bisexual and admit it. If I had to put a percentage on it, I'd say 95% are bi and 90% are poly. That's my guess.

    What do you think?