Thursday, September 10, 2015

She's baaaaaack!

Nodder has been in and out of my life for five years as a play partner, lover and much much more.

In February, things ended. He moved out of my home and, eventually, out of my state. We continued talking until April when I finally severed ties completely. 

It's been difficult in some ways but overall, it's been much easier to get over the love of my life than it should have been. Certainly easier this time than the other times we've broken up. I should probably go into detail on why but I won't. It's a very un-sexy explanation. 

Let's just say I lost myself and leave it at that. 

I also lost my Mistressness - my sexy, sadistic side - the thing that attracted nodder to me in the first place. He didn't take it with him when he left. It had been eroded slowly over time as I fell more in love with him. 

I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me. 

Cohabitation didn't help matters. It was impossible for me to feel dominant after working all day and coming home to a messy house when he'd spent the day napping and watching TV. 

My main love language is service. It makes me hot to have a guy do things for me. I came home once to a clean kitchen and was instantly wet. Unfortunately, that only happened once. 

Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect him to be some kind of slave and he wasn't a lazy bum. But a little more help would have gone a long way. I just didn't feel dominant when I was picking up his socks off the floor and, admittedly, I found it difficult to articulate that effectively to him. 

While I did, in fact, feel my dominant desires fading during the last six months of our relationship, our domestic bliss more than made up for it. The pseudo-vanilla sex (I cannot say it was ever totally vanilla) was amazing and we'd built a happy life together. I enjoyed having him as a partner and barely missed my Mistressness. 

And I didn't miss it much after he left, at least not right away. In the months after our breakup, as I began to heal and find myself again, I would occasionally feel a fleeting pang of dominant desire. However, it took a visit from Dr Dom / Mr Subby to reawaken my Mistressness. 

After a year apart, his visit was more about reconnection than kink. Still, his yummy subbiness and the fact that we'd completed one item off my kinky bucket list left me feeling adored and powerful. I'd found my RAWR again. 

And now, seven months post breakup, one of my favorite boy toys, bon-bon, is back for more. 

As I plot and plan for our playtime next week, as I carefully consider every kinky detail, I hear a little voice saying, 

"She's baaaaaack!"

And I feel more like me than I have in a really, really long time. 


  1. Nice to see you writing again :).

    "I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me."

    I'm curious if you are coming to the conclusion that you can't do D/s + 'long term relationship' love, or if you think it was particular to this relationship. It sounds like you think it's fundamentally incompatible with how you love. I don't think it's all that unusual, and I guess it's one reason why some dominant women don't look for submissive romantic LTR partners.


    1. I don't know that I'm ready to give up on the idea but I'm not anxious to try it again either. I can't put my finger on exactly why it hasn't worked for me but that's something I will need to do before attempting it again for sure.

      Right now my primary relationship doesn't include D/s. When he's mentioned that he'd like to try bottoming, I go into a bit of a panic. I don't want to top without the D/s relationship and I don't want D/s with him. Why don't I want it with him? Fear of fucking it up maybe?

      I've clearly got some things I need to work through still.

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  2. If I'm being completely honest with myself, it could also just have been nodder. I've never really gotten a long term romantic D/s relationship off the ground with anyone else.

    I draw so much of my dominance from the submissiveness I'm being fed. Perhaps if I'd gotten more of it, if we hadn't dropped into a more casual D/s relationship last year, if I hadn't been picking up his socks, maybe I would be more on board with having D/s in my LTRs in the future.

  3. Thanks for coming back with your thoughts.

    It's an interesting area to me. I think there is a big dependence on how your D/s manifests, then on how your relationship evolves, then on how the 'comfort' of familiarity and love impacts both of those. Complicated (of course!).

    If D/s is largely driven by passion and play, then as the NRE shifts into something else, I think it can be much harder to tap into that energy. If D/s is about control (managing the relationship, decision making etc), and play is about passion and sex, I think it's much easier. But I don't think it's ever that easily split because human beings are complex and relationships are rich and fluctuating and confusing and all of that.

    Best of luck with finding your way with your current primary relationship. I can understand your reluctance to go the same route again with him. I've had non-D/s partners want to bottom and they have felt rejected when I couldn't bring it with any authenticity outside of a D/s context (so I just didn't want to do it). Tricky.


    1. I love your insight! So wish we could chat over drinks on this stuff.

      I think you could be right and that the D/s was driven largely by passion and play initially. Not just initially but through much of the relationship. So when things shifted, it was harder to tap into it.

      Some subs crave more control outside of the bedroom. He was not one of them. And although I do enjoy some control outside the bedroom, I don't need to make ever decision. I find it tedious.

      So yeah, what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

      And I'm so happy to hear you've also been unable to top someone easily outside of a D/s relationship. I mean, I'm happy to hear someone else struggles as I do in this way. :)

      Thanks for comenting!

  4. "She's baaaaaack!"

    *Screeches like a girl* Haha just kidding. Glad to see you are back.


  5. sorry to hear about the end of your relationship with Nodder, but overjoyed to have you back and writing again! i'm sure a lot of guys are happy to see you got your "femdom" back - i certainly am. good luck!

  6. Thanks Mysticlez and Jamie! It feels good to be back.