In February, things ended. He moved out of my home and, eventually, out of my state. We continued talking until April when I finally severed ties completely.
It's been difficult in some ways but overall, it's been much easier to get over the love of my life than it should have been. Certainly easier this time than the other times we've broken up. I should probably go into detail on why but I won't. It's a very un-sexy explanation.
Let's just say I lost myself and leave it at that.
I also lost my Mistressness - my sexy, sadistic side - the thing that attracted nodder to me in the first place. He didn't take it with him when he left. It had been eroded slowly over time as I fell more in love with him.
I've always found it difficult to be a good Domme to someone I love. For me, it takes a little distance to dominate someone well. But being IN love with my sub seems to make domming even more challenging for me.
Cohabitation didn't help matters. It was impossible for me to feel dominant after working all day and coming home to a messy house when he'd spent the day napping and watching TV.
My main love language is service. It makes me hot to have a guy do things for me. I came home once to a clean kitchen and was instantly wet. Unfortunately, that only happened once.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect him to be some kind of slave and he wasn't a lazy bum. But a little more help would have gone a long way. I just didn't feel dominant when I was picking up his socks off the floor and, admittedly, I found it difficult to articulate that effectively to him.
While I did, in fact, feel my dominant desires fading during the last six months of our relationship, our domestic bliss more than made up for it. The pseudo-vanilla sex (I cannot say it was ever totally vanilla) was amazing and we'd built a happy life together. I enjoyed having him as a partner and barely missed my Mistressness.
And I didn't miss it much after he left, at least not right away. In the months after our breakup, as I began to heal and find myself again, I would occasionally feel a fleeting pang of dominant desire. However, it took a visit from Dr Dom / Mr Subby to reawaken my Mistressness.
After a year apart, his visit was more about reconnection than kink. Still, his yummy subbiness and the fact that we'd completed one item off my kinky bucket list left me feeling adored and powerful. I'd found my RAWR again.
And now, seven months post breakup, one of my favorite boy toys, bon-bon, is back for more.
As I plot and plan for our playtime next week, as I carefully consider every kinky detail, I hear a little voice saying,
And I feel more like me than I have in a really, really long time.