Defiance

Nodder's panties.

"I brought you something," I announced as I pulled things from my overnight bag.

"Oh yeah?" nodder asked.

I tossed "his" panties on the bed.

"I don't need those," nodder said.

"Yes you do. Put them on." Nodder isn't into cross dressing but he is a whore for humiliation and has a love/hate relationship with his polka dot beribboned panties.

He picked them up and tossed them across the bed. "No thanks."

"No?" I was incredulous. Nodder doesn't tell me no. Not when it comes to play. "What do you mean, NO?"

"I mean, I'm not going to put on panties."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not. You don't really want me to anyway."

I laughed. "YES, I really do."

"No, you really don't. You just think that that's what I want you to make me do right now but that's not what you really want," he explained. And then he leaned over and kissed me and all thoughts left my head except one: he might be right.

I tried to insist he put on the panties anyway, to reestablish control of the situation. He called me out on it. "That's not really what you want right now. I can tell. Come on now, I've known you for 11 months and I know what you want."

And then I did something I almost never do. I blushed.

The rest of the evening unfolded in a way that proved him right. As much as I enjoy control and his reactions when I dominate him, it wasn't a scene I wanted. I wanted to connect without D/s.

We ended up outside on his patio, naked, with me laying on the table looking up at the stars while he ate my pussy. The view of the Las Vegas strip was beautiful, the air was warm and comforting and his skilled tongue made me forget his defiance, made me forget everything. I lost myself in the sensations and we weren't Mistress and sub. We weren't ex boyfriend and ex girlfriend. We just were.

Actually, I supposed that isn't true. As I write this I am realizing that nodder's defiance could be viewed as service to me. After all, he was serving my true desires. Even when I didn't know them yet.

Intensity

I should have known that things were different when nodder put his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck while I was making dinner. I wasn't just instantly wet, my whole body was engulfed in what I can only describe as a warm shiver.

I figured maybe it was just a familiarity thing. Sure, we hadn't seen each other in the five weeks since our breakup but you can't know someone intimately for 11 months, can't have played with them dozens of times, and not know the right buttons to push in just the right way to turn them on.

But then as we sat watching a movie snuggled on the sofa, my breath caressed nodder's wrist almost accidentally and made him moan in an unexpected way. I smiled with delight like a child who had just learned a great secret.

I KNEW things were different.

After a few weeks of no contact after our break up, nodder and I began to IM a little. Pretty quickly we'd resumed something that might just end up some type of dysfunctional friendship.

Neither of us took the decision to see each other in person again lightly. We discussed it thoroughly and ensured we were both clear about our expectations for our relationship. We agreed our romantic relationship had run its course and that we cannot have a future together but that we still cared about each other in ways we hope to weave into a friendship.

The expectations for our first evening together again were not as clear. There was no agenda, no plan. He came over with wine and I threw together some dinner that we ate while we watched a movie.

I figured it would be a low key evening that would set a precedence for our budding friendship. Some snuggling maybe.

I didn't dare think we'd be able to keep our hands off each other though. Even when things were rough between nodder and me, our chemistry was always considerable, particularly for play. I'd have been naïve to expect it to have disappeared just because we'd broken up.

Knowing we have no future together should have at least diminished it though right?

Nope.

There was an unmistakable new intensity between us. Every kiss, every touch ... everything was electric in a way I'd never known with nodder.

I struggle even now to express how things were with nodder that night. It was raw and beautiful and something else I can't quite describe.

The only word I can come up with is intense. The foreplay, the play, the sex ... it was all so fucking intense.

I'm also struggling to understand why it was so intense. It wasn't make up sex because we're not getting back together. And it didn't have the celebratory flavor. Lack of "relationship" pressure? Eh, maybe. Sexual frustration and pent up passion? Nah.

His every reaction to every little thing I said or did told me he'd missed me. Maybe it was that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" bullshit.

I don't know and I don't really care. I loved playing with nodder before. And now with this new intensity it's like we've taken things to another level.

Mouthy

I normally enjoy a mouthy sub, particularly one as witty as nodder. Not disrespectfully mouthy but talkative. I almost never impose speech restrictions.

I'd been talking about playing off and on all day but when nodder came to my house that night about a month ago, vanilla activities had prevailed. But I was starting to ache to play. Not from lack of orgasms. I'd had plenty of those. But my post orgasm bliss was starting to melt into a desire to play. Specifically for rope. For him in my rope.

I tied his ankles to his thighs in a frog tie, then his wrists in front of him and created a chest harness. Nodder chatted happily throughout my rigging.

Why he decided to start being a smart ass, I have no idea. He was thoroughly tied and wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't being disrespectful, just annoying.

"Oh my God you need to shut the fuck up."

He kept chatting.

"Seriously. Just stop talking."

I blindfolded him thinking losing his sight might quiet him.

It didn't.

I can't even remember what he was talking about but I was just done listening to him. I whipped out my duct tape and slapped a piece across his mouth. He opened his mouth in a yawn and loosened the tape so I added another piece.Then I taped him from his chin to the top of his head on both sides.

And he kept talking.

Then I grabbed another piece of rope, channeled my inner Lee Harrington and fashioned some face bondage designed to keep his jaw securely shut.

It worked. Peace and quiet.

I'd chosen to tie nodder as I had with the intent of engaging in some CBT and facesitting and I was not to be deterred simply because little of nodder's face was available for sitting. I knelt over him, my wetness just inches from his nose and watched his cock twitch. Slowly I lowered myself until his nose touched my slit. I felt him try to touch me the only way he could, nuzzling my pussy, and heard him groan in frustration.

I sat firmly on his face and reached for his cock. I stroked it gently, teasingly and waited. I waited for that moment the delicious struggle ensues.

I felt his head turn beneath me trying to find breath and I savored the struggle for a few seconds as his cock became impossibly hard before I lifted my weight off of him, laughing and giddy with power.

Again and again I sat on his face burying his nose in my pussy. I alternated between smacking and squeezing his cock painfully and teasing it with soft touches.

But the real torture was in the fact that he couldn't taste me. He could smell me and feel my wetness on his nose and cheeks but the duct tape and rope prevented more.

Truth be told, it was torture for me too. As much as I enjoy breath control and teasing, I enjoyed nodder's mouth more.

When I could take no more, I slipped the rope from his face and removed the duct tape. Before he could resume his chatter, I kissed him hard and then sat firmly upon his face again.

Like a good boy, his mouth went right to work. And he was mouthy in all the right ways.

The poster child for Secure Partners Only

I knew it wouldn't work with nodder and me. I knew it. I knew it and I tried to have a relationship with him anyway.

It's funny what you'll do for love. Hell, I was even monogamous. Me, the woman who is always juggling at least three guys at once, I was monogamous.

Why? I loved him that much. I loved him more than I loved being the Lilyana who juggles men. I loved him enough to ease his worries by giving up other guys.

I gave up women too, by the way. I should get extra credit for that.

I knew as I made the decision to be monogamous with nodder, to give up any chance at relationships with others, exactly what I was doing. I knew it wasn't sustainable. I also knew, somewhere inside, that if nodder was the right guy for me, he'd have accepted me without me having to give up part of who I am.

But I did it. I gave up guys and girls. I gave up dating AND searching for new subs. I gave up any possibility to play with the girl and chewtoy. I gave up whatever it is/was developing between 6 and I lately. I even gave up my online play with the writer and cumboy.

I gave it up. I gave it all up. I shut down my vanilla dating site and collarme profiles and posted 'in a relationship' on FetLife. And I had no problem doing it. I loved him and I wanted to end his angst.

But I won't do it again. I won't.

I'm not talking about the monogamy part. True, I'm polyamorous, but I can be monogamous if I so choose and I may choose monogamy again someday. However, if I do, it won't be to end someone's angst. It will be because that's what my heart tells me I should do.

The writer once told me I was the poster child for Secure Partners Only. Every time nodder pointed out a reason why he wasn't good enough for me, every time he called my FMT my boyfriend in a fit of jealousy, every time he made jabs about other people in my life, I'd remember what the writer said.

Note to potential subs and boyfriends: Don't even bother approaching me if you don't have your shit together. Don't message me unless you are supremely confident and secure. If you're prone to jealousy, don't even breathe in my direction.

I am Lilyana, the poster child for Secure Partners Only. You've been warned.

Blissfully "boring as fuck"

I've been flirting with the idea for a few months now. Today I took the plunge.

I'm officially in a monogamous relationship with nodder.

I'm still polyamorous. That hasn't changed. I'm still capable of maintaining multiple sexual, emotional and/or spiritual relationships. But I'm choosing to engage in a monogamous relationship.

The reactions I'm getting are mixed.

"Awwww that's nice, right?"

"You've gotten into a monogamous relationship? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Good luck! I hope it all works out great."

"WHAT??? Not even other girls?"

"OMG. OMFG."

"Do I know you? Monogamous? Wow. That's a big step."

"That's gonna be boring as fuck."

Boring? Yes, it's going to be BLISSFULLY BORING between nodder and me. Almost all of conflict we've had between us suddenly no longer exists because I'm no longer seeing or talking to anyone else.

Fuck rope

I recently uttered words so unbelievable, so shocking that they stopped nodder in his tracks. Err ... Ok, mid thrust.

"Fuck rope."

It wasn't an adjective used to describe a certain type of rope. I was a verb. And it was said rather emphatically. FUCK ROPE.

If you follow my blog or know me in real life, you know I'm passionate about rope. And if you read On planning and satisfying cravings, you know that I seldom plan a scene. However, this was one of those rare nights where I had a plan. And that plan involved rope.

Take Lilyana's plan, add wine and nodder's skilled mouth and the plan begins to dissolve a bit.

"I should make you get my rope bag," I said more than once in between orgasms.

"I can stop," nodder said, without pausing whatever he was doing to please me. "I can go get it."

"NO."

As much as I love D/s play, I still enjoy what I refer to as pseudo vanilla sex. I can't call it vanilla because when you're involved heavily in BDSM, I'm not sure you can ever have truly vanilla sex. Some kinky element always sneaks into sex, or at least it seems to be that way for me.

But on this night nodder and I were having sex that was almost vanilla and heavily laced with orgasms for me, tease and denial for him. And it was good. Very good. I was into it.

And then nodder asked, at a particularly good moment, "Are you sure you don't want me to go get your rope bag now," and I responded emphatically, "FUCK ROPE."

Nodder stopped mid thrust. "WHAT?? Did you just say 'Fuck rope'?"

I laughed. I hadn't been thinking clearly and now that I was, the irony wasn't lost on me.

Since then, nodder has mentioned it more than once. Rather gleefully, in fact. I think he's rather proud that he was able to get me to say that. And I'm sure I'll never live it down.

Foot fucker

When discussing with nodder all the hottest moments we've had together, a few things always come up. We both enjoyed the night I put him in panties, tied him to the table, made him suck a dildo and then masturbated behind him where he couldn't watch while using him as a footstool. We never fail to bring up our strap-on play or our most recent adventures in watersports. And I almost blush at the memory of the night he made me cum with a nod. ALMOST. It was that fucking hot.

As with any D/s relationship, our play has progressed with intensity over time. However, one of our favorite play sessions to reminesce about was one of our very first.

I demanded that he lick my ass. I do that. I love having my ass eaten. It's better than the best full body massage and oh so humiliating for the giver when you demand it.

I was on my knees on the bed, knees spread apart a bit, with the soles of my feet together. I wasn't aware of my precise positioning. It wasn't planned.

I was lost in the sensations of his talented tongue when I first became aware of the gentle nudging on the bottoms of my feet.

"What is that? What is that on my feet?"

Nodder groaned into my ass.

"Is that your cock???" I was surprised. He had admitted to finding my piggies rather cute but had said he didn't have a foot fetish.

"Mmmmmhmmmmm" he moaned.

"What??"

"Yes, Mistress."

"Are you trying to hump my feet?"

Nodder's response was the growl I would come to crave, his way of emoting when he is deeply and thoroughly humiliated in the most erotic way. I laughed and his growl deepened in response.

The nudging became more instent. Or maybe his cock was harder. Or maybe it was a little of both.

"You really are trying to fuck my feet, aren't you?"

"Yes, Mistress," he whispered.

I laughed. "You're a foot fucker!"

He groaned and began rubbing his cock against the soles of my feet in earnest.

Boys at their best are terrible at multitasking. Horny boys are even worse. As he was fucking my feet he forgot about my ass.

"WHY AREN'T YOU LICKING MY ASS?? Are you too busy being a foot fucker to lick my ass??"

He growled and whispered, "Yes, Mistress," before putting his mouth back to good use.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't lick my ass AND fuck my feet. "You're terrible at multitasking. Do you want to keep fucking my feet?"

"Yes, Mistress."

"If you want to keep rubbing your little dicklett on my feet, you HAVE to keep licking my ass. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mistress," he responded as he dove into eating my ass with new enthusiasm and I began to feel his precum on my soles.

And so it went for a bit - nodder failing miserably at multitasking, me laughing at and chiding him for it.

"Can I cum?"

"What??"

"Mistress, may I please cum," he asked in a strained voice.

I laughed, "You want to cum fucking my feet??"

He growled and I grinned with the delight of knowing I'd found a hot button of his and then tap danced all over it.

I gave him permission to cum on my feet. I never allow a boy to cum on me but that day, I did. In his first spurt, he overshot the soles of my feet and spread his enthusiasm all the way up one calf yet still managed to coat my feet.

"Now lick it off. All of it. Slowly."

Everything is better with rope

My love of rope is well documented and undisputed.

And really, what's not to love?

In my blog Peeing on nodder I detailed my first golden shower experience with him. It was very very hot and I'll never forget how he looked laying there in my tub with his wrists bound above his head.

We did it again, a week or so later, only I didn't tie his wrists, didn't use rope of any kind. It was hot - almost as hot as the first time. But nodder and I both agreed that him being bound definitely increased the hotness factor.

Tying up cock and balls is always fun but tonight I took it in a new and exciting direction with nodder. Using about two yards of black paracord, I wrapped his balls snugly, then twisted the cord and separated his balls. I then preceded to wrap his cock in the paracord, crisscrossing it tightly up the length.

I played with his cock, squeezing the rope into the sensitive skin, stroking his cock gently then roughly over the rope, slapping his cock, blowing cold air slowly down its length, even teasing the head of his cock with my tongue.

I put a condom over it and then fucked it, rope and all.

Most of my typical CBT moves were enhanced by the paracord. And It was easier to get that delicious wince of his out of him. And the grimace. And maybe even a growl.

Even for me the sensations were new. The velvety warmth of his hardness was broken up by the rough paracord and through the light teasing touches, hard squeezing and sharp smacking, my hand relished each and every new sensation.

More than once I unwrapped his cock, played with the smooth length, and then retied it before teasing and abusing him some more.

And then when I got it wrapped just the way I wanted it, I put a condom over his cock, and the paracord I'd wrapped and tied around it, and fucked him.

Yum.

As I slid down his cock, the first thing I noticed was how his cock was no longer smooth. The paracord wrapped around his cock meant he was now ribbed for my pleasure in a major way. The paracord around the base of his cock that wasn't covered by the condom created some new friction sensations for my labia.

But probably most important of all - the rope added some girth to his cock.

And what girl doesn't like a little girth?

OK, a LOT of girth.

Top space: my new favorite drug

I was discussing with 6 the hotness of a scene he'd participated in. It wasn't co-topping but more like sharing.

I enjoy sharing and I'm discovering I enjoy watching. Not random voyeurism though. I've pinpointed the hotness being wrapped up in the fact that I have some kind of connection with one or more of the people I'm watching. It's my new favorite thing.

Anyway, I was telling 6 about how much I enjoyed watching him, how much I enjoyed when our eyes met and I could see how much he was enjoying who I was sharing with him. I cited specific moments that were incredibly hot for me. My hottest moments. And then I asked him, "What was the hottest part for you?"

Without hesitation he responded, "Performing in front of you."

Instantly, I was back in Top space.

According to B.E.S.T slave training:

Top-space is a state of erotically altered consciousness (EAC) achieved during a scene by the dominant or top. It is characterized by feelings of intense focus, clarity of thought, a sense of extreme power or high energy, and/or exhilaration. Feelings of distance and objectivity, as if one where commanding from a mountaintop, may paradoxically accompany feelings of connection to the submissive, as if there were a psychic link.

Top space is a phenomenon I'd read about since I first started researching the lifestyle but couldn't exactly say I'd experienced outside of a scene until recently. I wrote about how it feels in session in "Having the whole world at my feet." But there is a certain euphoria I'm learning I can experience without actually being in the middle of a scene.

Ok maybe THAT is my new favorite thing. An incredible drug.

As I wrote "Peeing on nodder," I found myself in Top space. And I marveled at the fact that just writing about it brought on the euphoria.

I have to assume my sensitivity to what I'm feeling is growing as my experience in BDSM increases. Or maybe I'm just learning how to harness all that hotness in different ways.

Peeing on nodder

I don't often use the term 'golden shower.' I rarely even call it 'water sports.' I sure as hell don't use flowery verbiage like 'drenching you in my sweet nectar.'

What the fuck ever. It's peeing on you. And I want you to know it.

Last month I played with nodder for the first time in quite some time. I had six weeks of pent up desire to make him growl and whimper and react in all of the ways that make me so hot for his submission.

I also had a mission. I wanted to pee on him.

It was something we hadn't done, something I'd threatened him with in those moments we'd discussed the things I still wanted to do to him, things I wanted to do with him.

As soon as we agreed to play again, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to pee on him.

I started drinking extra water an hour before I knew we were going to play in preparation and had a large glass by the bed when we began to play.

I'd missed his mouth on mine and we made out like teenagers for a bit before I went into Domme-mode, ready for serious play.

I tied a pink ribbon with hearts on it around his erect cock, laughed how silly his cock looked, and told him if he let the ribbon slip off while he massaged me, I'd punish him. Every few minutes during the time I enjoyed his hands rubbing my body, I'd check to ensure the ribbon was still in place. It was. And I smiled each time.

As he massaged me, I'd stop occasionally to gulp more water. I was surprised he didn't notice and comment.

When my bladder couldn't take anymore, when my anticipation was also peaking, I pushed him back on the bed and tied his wrists in front of him.

Rope makes a regular appearance in most of my sessions. It's no secret that I love rope. So I'm sure nodder wasn't surprised to see me pull out a long red length.

He was surprised, however, when I pulled him from the bedroom into the bathroom while his wrists were bound.

"Lay down in the tub. I'm going to pee on you."

I pulled his bound wrists over his head and put one foot on one side of his body, the other on a ledge in the tub. He looked up at me, his big brown eyes glazed over in a way that told me he was in that delicious place in his head, his sub space.

I talked to him about what I was about to do and watched him sink deeper into sub space. I can't recall exactly what I said, only the look in his eyes and his whimper/growl in response.

I enjoy making a boy beg for me to do terrible things to him. It's my thing. It makes me inexplicably happy.

I made him ask for it. I made him beg for me to pee on him. Made him articulate why he wanted it.


And then I did it. I peed on him. He groaned as it splashed all over him and I laughed. I laughed and laughed.

Laying there drenched in my pee, his cock was rigid.

"Aww you're SO hard. I think you LIKE me peeing on you, don't you?"

He groaned and gasped, "Yes."

I put my foot on his cock as he laid there in the bottom of my tub, surprised to discover that urine makes decent lube.

Nodder has a developed somewhat of a relationship with my feet. I like teasing him about how he enjoys my feet too much. And I did so then, rubbing the sole of my foot across the length of his hard cock and laughing. He growled in response, his eyes rolling back up in his head from the sensation and the humiliation.

"Can I cum?" he was gasping within seconds.

"No," I laughed and pushed the head of his cock between my toes a few times before stopping. I knew he was right at the edge.

I let him breathe a few moments before starting again. Within seconds he was begging to cum again.

I can't remember how many times I edged him. He couldn't take much. And then I let him spurt his cum all over his belly and chest while I laughed, the stickiness mixing with the urine.

With a nod

Over the past four years I've become increasingly orgasmic. I cannot express how grateful I am for this fact. It wasn't so long ago that I could only cum when I was on top of a man.

Yeah that should have been the first clue I was dominant.

Now I can cum from having my nipples sucked just the right way, from having my toes sucked and from being bitten on the back of the neck, inner thigh or on the area where my ass and my thigh meet. Once, when I was particularly turned on, I even came from a boy blowing on my pussy.

Yes, blowing air.

But a week ago, I came with a nod.

Seriously. He nodded, I came.

My former sub and I hadn't played in six very long weeks and we were both chomping at the bit to do so last Monday. We'd had a very hot scene that started with a massage for me and ended with bondage and water sports, had taken a dinner break, and were back at it again.

All of my play sessions with him include some kind of humiliation. He's a whore for humiliation and I can literally put him in subspace with a few well put together words.

Erotic humiliation is my forte. It's something I've become quite good at and I'm proud of the skills I developed in this area. The fact that I can make a boy blush, whimper or moan, even make his cock drip, with just a handful of softly spoken words, makes me hotter than just about anything. If I never picked up another cane or riding crop, I'd still have a fulfilling BDSM life as long as I could laugh at a boy's expense and watch their cock thicken in response.

Of everyone I've ever played with, I must admit it's my (former) sub's reactions to humiliation I've enjoyed most.

One of his biggest triggers is talk of forced bi, something that is still on his list of hard limits, something that he KNOWS is a huge turn on to me. Perhaps this is why strap-on play is so hot for us.

So last week we did some strap-on play. I used the suction cup on the dildo to stick it to the mirror and then watched him watch himself as he sucked cock.

I do so enjoy watching that boy suck my cock. Even when it's not between my legs.

Then I donned my strap-on harness and he lovingly sucked my cock from his knees, looking up at me from time to time in a way that makes me melt every time. After I fucked his face thoroughly, making him gag on my cock, I layed back on the bed to watch between me legs some more. He lavished attention on my cock, to be sure, but he didn't forget the feminine parts beneath the harness. His skillful tongue and fingers dug under the harness to the wetness beneath and found ways to excite me further.

I pulled him up over me so that I could enjoy his mouth on mine and while deep into our kiss, I felt a nudging in my groin. I broke away from our kiss and looked down.

"What are you doing?" I asked. He whimpered softly in response and looked down to where our bodies met, his cock rubbing against mine. "Are you grinding against my cock??"

He looked up and me, still grinding against my cock, his big brown eyes met mine ... and he nodded.

I came almost instantaneously. Just like that.

The excitement of the taboo nature of our play, the anticipation built up after six long weeks of play, his cock grinding against me so deliciously - it all certainly played a part in pushing me near the brink of orgasm.

But it was his nod that made me cum. It was his acknowledgement of the humiliating act in which he was engaged and our amazing connection that pushed me over the edge.

And with a nod, I came.

Trying casual play

I'm playing with the girl again tomorrow night. It'll be the first time we've played in 9 months or so and I'm looking forward to it.

No, she's not my sub anymore nor is she hoping to be again. She's a bottom who enjoys playing with Dominant females and is happy that way.

I'm not usually a fan of this kind of casual play. I know it's fun for others but I've never felt it would be fulfilling to me.

Until now. Now it seems pretty perfect.

My (former) sub and I continued playing and dating even after we broke up in November. The dating may have been casual after that but the play never was.

Play with him was amazing. Our kinks were almost perfectly matched. He was wonderfully strong in his vanilla life and beautifully submissive to me. The boy lived to make me orgasm and could do so like no one I've ever met. And I craved his every moan, whimper and growl like a PMS'ing woman craves chocolate.

I still do.

We're no longer seeing each other at all. His hours spent between my thighs have come to an end. I'll never hurt his cock again and feel it get harder or make him whimper with just a few whispered words.

As I consider my current and future play options, I find myself excited to play with the girl again. However, when I think about playing with another boy ... I feel an ache I can't describe. I actually teared up last week thinking about it.

Now you know a good chunk of the real reason I'm taking a break from D/s relationships at the moment.
And why casual play seems like a more palatable idea.

I've always turned down opportunities for casual play up until recently. I wanted the play I had to be with someone with whom I connected and with whom I had a chance of some type of a future. It was important to me.

But as I'm taking the time to heal and while I'm taking a serious look at what I want in the future, I still NEED the play.

It's not about getting laid. I can do that without involving a submissive. It's that my brain needs that stimulation I get only from controlling someone who submits control to me.

So tomorrow night the girl will call me Mistress again, serve my every whim and submit to whatever I desire. But just during the time we are together. Once we part, our D/s relationship ceases unless or until we decide to play again.

While this is not normally something that would appeal to me, it's what I think I can handle at the moment.

More than that, I think it's what I NEED. I need to be able to play and not worry about the future and relationships and just enjoy D/s play at a primal level.

Taking a break and inadvertently putting out the catnip

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of introspection and a lot of consideration of what's going on around me.

For the first time I can remember since I entered this lifestyle, I find myself without any submissives or any under consideration. A few months ago, I'd pretty much quit pursuing anything new unless it fell into my lap. I was truly happy with my (former) sub. The few that I'd been talking to since have been released or have disappeared/flaked, as subby boys tend to do.

That leaves me virtually unencumbered. Yes, there's a boy I've been talking about playing with and chewtoy continues to remain an option for NSA play that I haven't taken advantage of for months. And I still play online occasionally with cumboy. However, none of them are relationship material or even candidates for the type of D/s relationship I've been seeking.

Oh and there is a non-sub I've been seeing too. I adore him but he's not long term relationship material either. And of course Missy, a gorgeous bisexual woman I see some who has grown to be a good friend.

Yeah go ahead and laugh but it seems like my life is very simple right now. At least in regards to relationships. Or maybe it seems that way because none of those in my life are potential subs.

So it seems like a great time to take a bit of a break.

Although I'm not withdrawing from the lifestyle, I'm not actively seeking anything new. So I just changed my profile on collarme to add an intro that says:

I'm typically looking for an intelligent, attractive submissive man who is Dominant in his vanilla life - someone single and ready for something that might evolve into something serious. However, at this time, I'm taking a bit of a break. I'm not opposed to meeting exceptional potential submissives, but I'm not currently actively seeking any.

I sent this to a dear friend of mine, so proud that I'd take such a major step, and he said, "Oh, sweets -- that's catnip." I laughed and he added, "Trust the dom-in-life sub-in-sex male on this. Catnip."

This sabbatical doesn't mean I'll stop writing. I have a backlog of entries to finish and post. So don't remove me from your blog roll. I'm not going anywhere.

And if my friend is correct, though it is certainly not my intent, the catnip will bring me plenty of blogworthy material to write about.

'Saving myself' or 'Maybe I'm not as sadistic as I thought'

This blog is a follow up to my previous post entitled Today is the day about how I've been looking forward to using a strap-on on a boy for the first time.

While my (former) sub made me a little dinner, I dressed in red lace panties, red lace bra, black fishnet stockings, sexy strappy heels and a man shirt. I'm all about contrasts.


I fingered and plugged his ass to prepare him. I knew he hadn't had any major ass play in quite some time and I had no desire to damage him. Afterward, I put him in pretty panties for a bit simply because it amused me to do so.

Yes, that's me and yes, my cock is black.

I ate a little dinner. And then I donned my cock.

I sashayed about a little and took a couple of pictures before I turned my attention to him. I kissed him, pushing my cock against him, against his own cock, and he moaned into my mouth at the reminder. He was anxious to suck my cock and I knew it. And I was in happy to make him wait. Making him wait meant more anticipation for me and more kissing.

I do so adore kissing that boy.

Finally, I pushed him to his knees and he looked up at me hopeful and expectant, his mouth inches from my cock. He leaned in, anxious to take it in his mouth and I laughed and pushed him away. I slapped his face with my cock and he winced, not from the pain but from the humiliation of it. I smiled and did it again. And again. He blinked from the impact each time but his eyes quickly returned to mine.

"Stick your tongue out." I placed the head of my cock on his waiting tongue. His eyes locked with mine, I began to push my cock into his mouth, teasing him. I giggled. He winced. I got wetter.

I do so adore making that boy wince.

I put my hands on the back of his head, smiled, and pushed his face slowly down on my cock and then pulled my cock away.

"Mmmm" he moaned.

I pulled his face towards my hips, my cock going deep into his mouth and making him gag a little. This time it was my moan that was audible.

I do so adore making that boy gag on my cock.

I continued fucking his face watching his eyes water, feeling him shudder a bit as he gagged on my cock and I laughed aloud at the sheer joy of it all.

After a bit I pulled my cock out of his mouth and slapped his face again playfully.

"You like sucking my cock don't you?"

"Yes, Mistress," he said from his knees, big brown eyes looking up at me.

"You're thinking about it being real cock, aren't you? Wondering what it would be like to suck real cock for me, aren't you?"

He whimpered, "Yes, Mistress."

And then he did the hottest thing EVER. He gently took my hands in his and, his eyes never leaving mine, put them on the back of his head.

He wanted more. And I gave it to him. I fucked his face until I could wait no longer for his ass.

I'd always pictured the scenario including rope, that I'd enjoy having the boy bound tightly when I took his ass, but he as it turned out, the mood didn't call for rope. It was sensual and sexy and chock full of hotness without rope.

Until the not fun pain.

I removed the plug and tried to fuck his tight ass with my cock.I lubed him and fingered him before I tried to slide my cock in. We both expected some discomfort but I didn't like how he described the pain. It didn't sound like anything I'd experienced before and I wasn't going to take a chance that I would do any real damage. More fingering, more lube and more trying ... nothing worked and I gave up.

I know I could have just taken his ass probably without any real damage. My cock isn't very big and was purchased especially for tight, unused asses like his. I had plenty of lube. But even as sadistic as I am, and as badly as I wanted his ass, it wasn't worth taking a chance.

So I guess you could say I'm still 'saving myself.' Or you COULD say maybe I'm not as sadistic as I thought.

Today is the day

I've never taken a boy's ass with a strap-on.

Seriously.

I've come close. Real close. I had the head of my big purple cock inside babyboy's very tight ass. One thrust of my hips and I wouldn't be writing about this cherry of mine. But I was using the harness and dildo a former girlfriend and I had purchased together. We had selected a length and size we'd both enjoy vaginally. I never thought for a moment I'd use its ample length and girth on an ass let alone a male ass.

The truth is I don't feel compelled to play with every ass I come in contact with. And although I maintain a theory that every male is an ass slut or an ass slut ready to happen, I haven't played with many trained for regular ass play.

They all have tight little pseudo virgin asses. None could have taken the girth of my purple cock.

I have enjoyed watching a few of them suck it, pushing my big purple cock deep into their throats.

And then I broke the harness on the girl. *sigh* Good times.

The purple dildo remained in my toy bag and occasionally made appearances in play such as when I tied my sub to a table and forced him to suck it, then masturbated with it before I forced him to suck it some more.

*sigh* Good times.

Could I have bought another harness and a more reasonable sized cock and fucked a boy's ass before now? Sure. But the truth is I have enjoyed the anticipation of taking a boy's ass for the first time.

Perhaps I've nearly romanticized it. I've waited so long and I want it to be with the right guy at the right time.

I can't even type that without giggling at the ridiculousness of that idea but it's probably true. I've been "saving myself."

And today is the day.

From submissive to boyfriend. Can a D/s relationship survive?

While straddling the boy, I thrust the nipple of my right breast into the his mouth and leaned into him, smothering him with my double D’s. He sucked furiously and, as he began struggling and thrashing as his oxygen ran out, the thought running through my head was “MINE. MINE. MINE.”

As I ground my hips into his, “MINE. MINE. MINE,” was all I could think.

As I raped his mouth with my tongue, as I gripped his cock so hard he winced in pain, “MINE. MINE. MINE.”

Only he’s not mine.

He doesn’t greet me by kissing my hand anymore. He doesn’t call me Mistress. He doesn’t do a dozen little things anymore because he isn’t MINE.

But the primal part of me that enjoyed owning him doesn’t seem to know that. That part of me that screams MINE even now, more than three weeks after we ended our D/s relationship as we try to patch together something that somewhat resembles dating.

I’m not the only one having these same internal conflicts. My best friend, Miss Apryl recently broke up with her collared, 24/7 slave that she'd been with for 9 months and has experienced difficulty transitioning from D/s to dating. She had so much trouble with it that she no longer has any relationship with him, in fact.

“I was just thinking we might be able to date without D/s. That was fucking stupid. I can't go back. When I found out he was jerking off without permission I nearly lost my shit. And that was after he moved out,” Miss Apryl recently revealed. “Even before that I didn’t like that he was no longer sitting to pee and every time he plopped down on the sofa, I was SO irritated.”

While their D/s relationship was in effect, Miss Apryl’s slave was require to sit every time he urinated and had to ask permission to sit on her furniture. These little rituals, like me requiring my sub to always greet me by kissing my hand, were small but meaningful reminders of their submission and indicators of their respect for us.

And we miss them.

I recognize that when non-D/s relationships evolve, it is not always without incident. This I know only too well as my friends with benefits relationship with my FMT evolves into a friendship that’s more emotionally intimate yet devoid of the yummy benefits I’ve enjoyed so much over the past two years. I’m struggling with the transition and that’s probably another blog altogether.

But I feel like the battle to turn a D/s relationship into a dating relationship is probably a lot different. Miss Apryl hypothesizes that this is probably because of the ownership element of D/s and as I reflect upon the feelings of MINE MINE MINE I’m having in regards to my former sub, I tend to agree.

"Trying to date after D/s feels like the relationship is going backwards," Miss Apryl said. "And when you have that level of commitment, you can never go back."

Moving in and moving on

I recently moved in with my FMT. I'm renting his guest room. We're not LIVING TOGETHER.

It's a temporary thing. It works for now. It helps us both out.

We're still friends with benefits, my FMT and me. In fact, I think we've increased the friendship factor.

But the fact of the matter is, I'm living with a guy I have a history with, one that I have enjoyed fucking.

This didn't go over well with my sub.

I've never made a secret of being polyamorous. My sub knew it when he contacted me and knew that I've been seeing other guys since we've met.

So a week ago I was surprised when he admitted to feelings of raging jealousy and then verbally attacked me and my lifestyle choices.

The short version of our break up is this: he can't handle me being polyamorous.

Somewhere along the way, he'd fallen in love with me. It wasn't planned. It just happened. And he'd dealt with his insecurities and kept his jealousy under control until I moved in with my FMT. Then something in him snapped.

Somewhere along the way, I'd fallen for him too. How could I not? I enjoyed him in every way - kinky and vanilla. The play was phenomenal AND I loved spending time with him outside of the bedroom. He's smart and witty and I enjoyed his company as much as I craved his submission.  He was a guy I could almost picture building a life with.

Until he snapped.

He's not poly. He doesn't get it. He can't handle it.

It's unfortunate. It's tragic, really. I've waited so long to find a sub I connect with. One who could satisfy my needs, D/s and otherwise.

If he was a cuck, he'd be perfect.

We're at a stalemate, my (former) sub and I. He can't handle even the thought of me with other guys. I'm polyamorous.

I'm a glass is half full kind of girl so I have to admit it's probably for the best that if this was going to be an issue, it's good that it came up now. As sadistic as I am, I don't relish hurting someone emotionally and clearly I was doing that to my sub.

I just had no idea that by moving in, it meant that I'd be moving on.

On planning and satisfying cravings

In many areas of my life, I'm very much a planner. I like to schedule things. I like to know what I'm doing, what comes next.

But when it comes to playing with a submissive, my scenes are never planned in detail. I allow them to evolve naturally at my whim. I can be as sadistic as I am sensual and my mood very much dictates in what direction I steer a scene.

Sometimes, though, I'll want to do something that has logistical requirements. In the case of Forced bi with fireboytoy and pk, I had a finite period of time in which to execute the scene AND I needed to draft another person to assist. I can't just decide I want to force a boy to suck cock without having another cock around. It's got to be a planned thing.

Other times, I have a specific craving that simply must be satisfied.
 
Earlier this week, my sub and I had an opportunity to play. We've spent a lot of time together recently and have played quite a bit, but much has been impromptu. In other words, it's been mostly unplanned play that occurred no where near my toy bag, no where near my rope.
 
I've enjoyed every moment of this "stolen" time together, but there's something extra sexy about playing when you've been looking forward to it, anticipating it, even *gasp* planning for it.
 
My sub knows me well. He knows I don't like to plan details of a scene. He often teases me about it. But I did let him know I wanted to do rope. That I was craving it.
 
He'd arrived at our hotel suite before me and was happy to report that there was plenty of bondage friendly, sturdy furniture. Upon my arrival, I evaluated what I had to work with and settled on the big table like desk. My sub pulled it into the center of the room where I could have plenty of access to all sides of it, and him, once he was tied to it.
 
While he changed into a very humiliating pair of fru fru panties, I slowly unpacked my rope and other toys, pausing to consider my options and snickering at my own wickedness.
 
I tied a length of rope to each wrist to create cuffs I could use to tether him and then bent him face down over the desk, lenthwise, so that he was stretched across the smooth wood and almost on his toes. I tied each rope to a leg of the desk securely and then slowly circled my tethered prey. I giggled at the view of his ass, bent over the table with the ultra feminine thong, its ruffle around the waist almost a skirt, and heard his wince muffled against the wood of the desk.
 
Sliding my hand between his legs I found his cock hard from the humiliation of the panties and in anticipation of what was to come.
 
Or maybe it was my laugh. It seems that my laugh is his kryptonite. But that's probably a whole other blog.

I left him there while I retrieved a towel, lube and a butt plug.  I donned one rubber glove with a snap and pulled his pretty panties down.

"With your panties down around your knees like this, you reminded me of a naughty little girl about to get a spanking," I said as I applied lube to his asshole. He whimpered in response.

I played with his ass until he was gasping and then inserted a butt plug and pulled his panties back up to keep the butt plug in place. I continued to tease him, relishing every whimper, every moan, and then I switched gears.

From my toy bag I retrieved the fairly large purple dildo I used with my strap on until I broke the harness on the girl last spring. I used the flat base that acts as a suction cup on smooth surfaces to stick it to the desk in front of my sub's face but not before I'd smacked him in the face with it, taunting him with the length and girth.

"Suck it."

Tied across the desk with my big purple cock in his face, he looked up at me with big brown eyes, wincing in the way that makes me so so wet just before starting to lick it slowly. I watched him closely, holding the base as he teased my dildo with his mouth. Impatient with his prudishness, I grabbed the back of his head and forced it down on the dildo until his lips touched my hand. He gagged a little, making me even wetter, and I taunted him with talk about sucking real cock for me one day.

His whimpers, gagging, wincing and rapid breathing turned me on so much, I had to do something about it. I moved a comfortable chair directly behind him, yanked the dildo out of his mouth and made myself comfortable. With one leg draped over the arm of the chair I pushed the purpled dildo into my wetness easily not bothering the stifle the moan that errupted.

My sub tried to turn to see me as I described how good the big cock felt inside me but my ropes kept him virtually immobile. Watching him struggle to see me made me even more excited.

I propped one foot up on his ass but not before I used my toe to push the butt plug just a bit deeper in his ass. I laughed at the view - my foot on his obviously manly ass, butt plug clearly visible between his butt cheeks as he's bent over wearing pretty panties.

I knew how badly he wanted to watch me masturbate. We'd discussed it several times. I'd taunted him with it before, IMing him or texting him, teasing him with the knowledge that I was masturbating and he couldn't watch.

There we were in the same room and he still couldn't watch. And it was killing him.

Having him bent over for me, in rope, using him as a foot stool as I masturbated with a perfectly sized dildo turned me on too much. Though I savored every moment, he wasn't struggling to turn and see me long. I tried to put it off, to delay my orgasm, but I came pretty quickly.

I put the purple dildo, still wet with my juices, in front of his face and watched him clean it thoroughly and eagerly.

Yes, he was allowed to satisfy of his craving too. His craving to taste me.

Poly by permission

I’m poly. This is no secret to the boys I see, vanilla or kinky. It can’t be. It’s a part of who I am.

When I began seeing my sub almost two months ago, we discussed polyamory. He’d been a live-in submissive to a married Domme whose husband was a Dom and also had a live in sub, so he’d experienced poly. However, he’d never been allowed to see anyone but her, never experienced how it is to maintain multiple relationships himself.

As a Dominant, I realize I’m perfectly within my rights to ensure my sub doesn’t see anyone else while they are with me. What’s good for the goose doesn’t necessarily apply to the gander.

But I’m also fair.

Early in our relationship I let him know I’d be open to allowing him to date but that he’d need to ask first.

“So let me get this straight. You’re poly and I’m poly by permission.”

I laughed and said yes.

So yesterday the subject arose and he asked permission to date. He is seeing me date other guys and wants to experience polyamory himself.

My first instinct was to react with "MINE MINE MINE" like a child who has been asked to share her toys. I can't help it. But after a little discussion, my reasoning prevailed and I agreed. However, I advised him there would be parameters.

Of course he’s going to have rules.

1. You may spend no more than 30 minutes a day on dating websites corresponding with and screening potential dates.
2. An hour or less before any date, you must masturbate, cum and consume your cum. Unless you are in chastity at the time or doing a special assignment for me, assume you have permission to cum in this scenario so you don’t need to ask. However, you should text me and let me know you’ve done it.
3. No kissing on the first date.
4. You must wear panties on your first 3 dates.
5. Text or call me after each date. I don’t expect a report unless I ask but I want to know you’re home safe.
6. I own your orgasm. If you plan to have sex, you must ask permission.
7. Ensure she’s clean. ASK.
8. Use protection during sex.
9. You can’t take anyone on nicer dates than you take me.
10. You may not submit to anyone else.
11. She may not leave any visible marks on you.
12. You should keep me updated as things progress so that we can decide when it is appropriate for her to learn about your lifestyle and me.
13. I am your number one priority. I get first dibs on your time.

The idea of the rules isn't to make dating difficult for him, though reading over the rules one might assume that's the case.

Hey, if I'm going to share my toys, it's going to be on my terms.

The soup or the can

When a man is sick or in pain, it's as if the world is coming to an end. This is a universal truth that no one can argue.

My typical reaction is one of disgust. Perhaps this is because my ex husband's illnesses were never minor. A sniffle was a sinus infection. A cold? Always the flu. He twisted his ankle once but came home with a supposed physician diagnosis of "a severe severe sprain." No, that's not a typo. He actually said "severe severe."

Believe it or not, I do have a nurturing side. And I make damn good chicken noodle soup. The best you've ever had.

So when a man in my life becomes sick or hurt, it's interesting to see how I respond, even to me. I'm usually surprised to see who evokes my nurturing side.

Will I have the urge to make him chicken noodle soup or will I just want to throw the can at him?

When my FMT fell and injured himself a year ago, I made him fresh ice packs and checked his scalp laceration ever so often. I made him take ibuprofen and brought him refreshments. Then, after he mentioned going to the ER three or four times, I began to get annoyed.

But when my cutie consort was sick recently, I found myself wanting to make him chicken noodle soup. This surprised me. I mean, I enjoy him a lot but we haven't been seeing each other long enough for him to evoke my nurturing instincts, I'd think.

Then again, my ex husband didn't make me want to nurture him AT ALL and we were married for years.

When I commented on this to my sub recently, he asked me, "So do I get the soup or the can?"

"You get soup in a dog dish in the floor."

His reply? "Well at least it's soup and not dog food."