Showing posts with label polyamory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label polyamory. Show all posts

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Banana Pussy Motivation

"Sure you don't wanna make that "who gets some first" bet? Looks like your odds are better than mine." 

Hando had a gig that took him 2500 miles away for three months shortly after we began dating in March. 

"Sure," I said, enjoying the idea of a little healthy competition. "What's that bet? Think of something. It's little challenge to me as you'll do pretty much anything I ask without having to make a bet anyway."

"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"Who says it has to be a "do something"... It could be a banana split. Or a prize."

"Ok suggest something." My mind had immediately gone for the gutter, it's true, but I was open to seeing what he would come up with. 

"Now you've got me thinking of all these big sexy things, but it doesn't have to be that huge a deal."

"Ok banana split then."

"Ok. That's good I guess."

"But whoever loses has to be the dish."

"You TOTALLY read my mind!"

"No way."

"Way."

"Ice cream is COLD. I don't wanna lose," I said. 

"Me neither! Now I have some extra motivation... And I kinda wanna eat a banana out of your pussy."

"Because getting laid isn't enough motivation."

"Ha! True.I'm totally guessing you're gonna win. But now I might have to go out tonight after work for the first time in a while." 

"Banana pussy motivation."

"BPM."

"Which will make you smile even more when you fuck her. Thoughts of BPM."

"True. I'll totally be thinking of that. She'll never know."

We talked and texted daily, often for hours, and usually covered how each of us were progressing. 

"She's not super cute, but she's age appropriate and probably DTF. Maybe the bet is winnable after all..."

"I'd be happy to lose the bet if if means you're getting laid," I responded. And it was true. 

"Awwww, #compersion #polyforthewin #icecream"

And there was the one rather lengthy discussion to define what winning actually meant. You'd think it would be pretty straight forward but considering my bisexual and kinky proclivities, it did require some definition.

"Does it have to be penis in vagina sex? What if I peg a guy?"

"You can't cum from pegging a guy so it shouldn't count."

"Oh yes I can!" 

"Oh. Well if I get a blow job and cum does THAT count?"

"Of course it doesn't. Ok, can we say it counts if someone's penis goes in a vagina or ass? Or if I have sex with a girl?"

He agreed but tried to convince me fucking Dr Dom / Mr Subby shouldn't count because he was a sure thing. I won that argument, mostly because he lives far enough away that a visit before Hando returned was not a sure thing. 

At first I was hellbent on winning. I really didn't want a banana in my pussy or cold ice cream anywhere on my body. I mentally ticked off the possibilities and focused on a few I felt like were easy prey. I even reached out to a couple of them. But my heart wasn't in it and I never broached the subject. 

The thing is, as good as I am at casual sex and keeping my emotions separate when I want to, I rarely fuck someone casually. And when I say rarely, I mean like once in past three years, maybe more. 

I just enjoy sex more when it's with someone with whom I have a connection. It's that simple. Not very slutty of me, I know. 

I decided to win or lose the bet organically. I was talking to women and men I was potentially interested in dating but in no hurry to seal the deal. And yet it still looked a bit like I was going to win as Hando was experiencing some challenges and it was looking like a visit from Dr Dom / Mr Subby, AKA "a sure thing," was going to happen before Hando's return. 

And then suddenly I received a text.

"The girl I told you invited me for drinks just texted me she just got fired! Gonna go to her place now and find out what happened. Tell you more later or tomorrow 😘"

Then less than an hour later: "Just won the bet... Well, I'm still winning it. She's on her way over."

"LOL good job honey! Have fun!"

I love that we have the kind of relationship where we can make bets on who gets laid first. That I can talk to Hando about Dr Dom / Mr Subby and potential partners. That I was genuinely happy he won the bet and had sex with someone else. 

The purity and unselfishness of compersion astounds me. It is a beautiful thing and I love experiencing it from both sides. I just didn't truly consider that it would mean ending up with a banana in my pussy. 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Unintentional monogamy

Once upon a time there was a woman who identified as bisexual, dominant and polyamorous. She chose for dates, play partners and lovers only those that understood that she'd probably never be completely monogamous with them. In fact, most that she chose celebrated this about her. Even her uber jealous sub grew to appreciate it.

And then one day that woman woke up and realized she had essentially been monogamous for more than half the year. She had the freedom to be with others but had been too busy and too happy to bother.

She'd also been too busy and too happy to blog.

How the fuck did that happen?

It was nodder's fault. Blame him.

Since I stopped blogging regularly, nodder and I have been apart and back together and now apart again. We've had some incredibly hot scenes I should have written about. We've had some I've even started writing about and stopped because my writing sounded like erotica. We've had the kind of play you fantasize about and it seems unfair to you, my readers, that I haven't written about it.

Consider that your tease. And this blog your denial.

Over the past several months I've been more content than I can remember. I've stayed busy with my career and away from the local scene and all the drama it entails. I've concentrated on my friendships some of which are with lifestylers, some of which that are not. One of which is with a beautiful bisexual woman, Elle, that I don't get to see nearly enough, but overall, I've been very happy.

Up until our relationship ended recently, nodder has been a huge part of that happiness. We'd reached a level of comfort and intimacy with each other that was only exceeded by our D/s connection and it enabled us to play at levels neither of us had before. His appreciation for my dominance and my appreciation for his submission intensified. It wasn't perfect, yet even with him living several hundred miles away we enjoyed each other and our relationship in ways we have not in the two years we've been together.

Between nodder, Elle, my friends and my career, I've stayed so busy and happy, I haven't really sought anyone else. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else.

I've been unintentionally monogamous.

I've also unintentionally neglected my blog.

With this post, I'm rectifying one of those situations. The other? Eh, who knows?


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Maybe I'm just greedy

I'm polyamorous. I'm a Domme. But I don't want MY sub submitting to another Domme while he's submitting to me.

Maybe that means I'm not poly. Maybe I'm just greedy.

I've previously considered and given permission to a sub to date others while we were together. It was permission with conditions, sure. I'm the Dominant and I have that right.

I believe that being poly means you're ok with your partners being involved with others. And I am. I've been involved with other people who are poly and I've also been involved with non-polys who were seeing others while we were together. And I was REALLY ok with it.

I just don't want someone who is submitting to me on a regular basis submitting to anyone else.

Is it a double standard? Yes. Because even though I've never had multiple serious subs at once, I often have more than one sub that I'm considering and/or playing with.

No, what's good for the Goose isn't good for the gander.

D/s is the difference. It's not just sex. It's not even sex and dating. It's a much more special connection.

There's an ownership element to D/s that throws my being poly all off kilter. There's a feeling of MINE I have with subs, even former subs, that I never had when I was monogamous, even when I was married.

And when I think of a sub of mine kneeling for another Domme, I feel a little sick. I believe that's something special he should only share with me. Date someone else, fuck someone else, but no, I'm not ok with you submitting to someone else.

I don't think that's wrong either. But then again, maybe I'm just greedy.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The poster child for Secure Partners Only

I knew it wouldn't work with nodder and me. I knew it. I knew it and I tried to have a relationship with him anyway.

It's funny what you'll do for love. Hell, I was even monogamous. Me, the woman who is always juggling at least three guys at once, I was monogamous.

Why? I loved him that much. I loved him more than I loved being the Lilyana who juggles men. I loved him enough to ease his worries by giving up other guys.

I gave up women too, by the way. I should get extra credit for that.

I knew as I made the decision to be monogamous with nodder, to give up any chance at relationships with others, exactly what I was doing. I knew it wasn't sustainable. I also knew, somewhere inside, that if nodder was the right guy for me, he'd have accepted me without me having to give up part of who I am.

But I did it. I gave up guys and girls. I gave up dating AND searching for new subs. I gave up any possibility to play with the girl and chewtoy. I gave up whatever it is/was developing between 6 and I lately. I even gave up my online play with the writer and cumboy.

I gave it up. I gave it all up. I shut down my vanilla dating site and collarme profiles and posted 'in a relationship' on FetLife. And I had no problem doing it. I loved him and I wanted to end his angst.

But I won't do it again. I won't.

I'm not talking about the monogamy part. True, I'm polyamorous, but I can be monogamous if I so choose and I may choose monogamy again someday. However, if I do, it won't be to end someone's angst. It will be because that's what my heart tells me I should do.

The writer once told me I was the poster child for Secure Partners Only. Every time nodder pointed out a reason why he wasn't good enough for me, every time he called my FMT my boyfriend in a fit of jealousy, every time he made jabs about other people in my life, I'd remember what the writer said.

Note to potential subs and boyfriends: Don't even bother approaching me if you don't have your shit together. Don't message me unless you are supremely confident and secure. If you're prone to jealousy, don't even breathe in my direction.

I am Lilyana, the poster child for Secure Partners Only. You've been warned.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Blissfully "boring as fuck"

I've been flirting with the idea for a few months now. Today I took the plunge.

I'm officially in a monogamous relationship with nodder.

I'm still polyamorous. That hasn't changed. I'm still capable of maintaining multiple sexual, emotional and/or spiritual relationships. But I'm choosing to engage in a monogamous relationship.

The reactions I'm getting are mixed.

"Awwww that's nice, right?"

"You've gotten into a monogamous relationship? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Good luck! I hope it all works out great."

"WHAT??? Not even other girls?"

"OMG. OMFG."

"Do I know you? Monogamous? Wow. That's a big step."

"That's gonna be boring as fuck."

Boring? Yes, it's going to be BLISSFULLY BORING between nodder and me. Almost all of conflict we've had between us suddenly no longer exists because I'm no longer seeing or talking to anyone else.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Erotica: Fulfillment - by the writer

A loyal reader, who I call the writer, wrote this very very hot story for me. He somehow managed to write the Femdom as very Lilyana-like, so much so that when I read this I think, "That is EXACTLY what I'd have said/done!" Although I have not yet cucked a sub, I imagine a scenario very much like this one. With his permission, I'm sharing thie super hot erotica with you all.

My hands tremble as they unbutton your blouse.

It would be the first time I would ever see you naked, and I had rented the suite for the occasion. There were candles for the bedroom. The sitting room filled with flowers. There was scented oil for the bath.

You arrived with your overnight bag looking like you had come from an office. The blouse buttoned so high that by the way I was halfway done – forcing myself to take my time, to savor every moment – I was merely viewing what I’d seen many times before.

It was still breath-taking. Just the sight of the soft, smooth skin of your upper breasts. Cleavage that had often been on view.

I paused, moved my lips towards you.

“May I?” I asked.

“Not yet,” you answered.

I pulled back and continued my task. When you blouse was fully open, I took it and folded it neatly on the sitting room’s couch.

Each piece of clothing I removed set my heart pounding. I looked at you with such longing and desire. You smiled at me with tender cruelty.

When I was finally down to your bra and panties, I poured you a glass of wine and went to start your bath. Good hotels have good tubs, and I was careful to make sure the water would be warm, not scalding.

I returned. You turned your back to me. I steadied myself as I undid the clasp of your bra.

When I came back from setting it neatly on top of the rest of your clothing, you turned towards me. The fullness of your breasts took my breath way. You lifted them, knowing they were all I desired.

“Now,” you whispered.

I lowered my lips, kissed the soft skin. Licked just above your nipples. You shifted slightly, and your nipple was in my mouth. I suckled.

And then, when I knew the bath was nearly ready, I stepped back. Slid your panties off slowly. Folded them and presented you with your robe.

I held your hand as you stepped into the tub. Stood back while you luxuriated in the oiled and gelled water, the scent barely present, sensuous without overwhelming. You closed your eyes and I knelt, droplets of condensation sticking to my skin.

When you were ready, you opened your eyes. I tested the water, added just a bit more to keep the temperature constant.

I lathered up the softest washcloth I could find and began to wash your back. My motions were gently, slow, and circular. I took my time.

I kissed the back I had cleaned.

Your arms and legs were next. When it came to your feet, I put the washcloth away and began to give you a foot massage. I could feel the last bit of tension drain from your body.

I added a bit more hot water, then rose to your face. One kiss to the forehead and then I began cleaning with caresses, following your bones.

When I was done, I nodded towards your breasts.

“May I?” I asked.

“Only with the cloth,” you answered.

Not one part of my finger touched the skin. I was light, professional.

My cock was rock hard.

I knew when it came to your pussy that this was not the time for climax.

You shifted and presented me with your ass.

“Make it as clean as the rest of me,” you said.

I turned on the Jacuzzi and knelt silently as it soothed your body.

When you were ready, I stood with open towel, drying you, not allowing you to do a thing except indicate where you wanted to be dried next.

I wrapped you in your robe and led you to the make-up mirror. There was a stool, of course. Hotels like this always had stools for women.

I opened the overnight bag. What was inside was so much sexier than what I had removed. The make-up kit was on top.

I handed you compacts, brushes, containers.

When you were satisfied, I slid the lace-thin panties up your legs, careful – oh so careful – not to touch. Lifted the negligee over you head and let it fall over your body.

“There’s more,” you said.

I went to the overnight case and took out a second pair of panties.

“For you,” you said.
I slipped the panties on. It took three tries before I could keep my cock from falling out.

You smiled sweetly now and took my hand. You led me to the bedroom.

“I’d kiss you,” you said, “but my make-up.”

You nodded to a cushioned wooden arm-chair. It was perfect. I’d made sure of that before I’d booked the room.

The panties were so skimpy that the chair cushion scratched my skin. I shifted, trying to find a comfortable position. I knew this was important.

You bound my wrists and arms to the armrest, my ankles to the chair’s front feet.

Then you gagged my mouth.

You picked up your phone and dialed.

“The door’s unlocked,” you said, giving the number of the room.

Your hand went through my hair, tousling it gently, warmly, fondly.

“I know you can handle this,” you said. “No turning back now.”

With my eyes, all I had, I told you it was so.

The candles’ light played upon your body as we waited, soft and caressing but strong enough so I could see every curve as well as the openly lustful desire on your face.

I turned my head as I heard the door open and shut.

“In here,” you said.

Your head did not even glance in his direction. You were watching me, gauging my reaction, taking pleasure from the fear and excitement in my eyes.

He stepped into the room and came up behind you. There was no hesitation on his part. No asking for permission.

He said your name and you turned your head back towards him.

As you kissed, he pressed himself behind you. His left hand slipped down your front, beneath the fabric, over your breasts.

With that you stiffened – a spring of lust coiled for release. Your kiss became a fury, deeper, more insistent, urging him on.

His right hand caressed your hip swiftly, then slid down your leg to where your negligee ended. In one movement, it slipped underneath the fabric, which hid your skin as he reached towards the place you both wanted him to go.

I could tell from your face that you were already wet.

Tears stung my eyes as you came quickly. I could only hope that my preparation had been your foreplay. As your body shook, he looked me in the eye for the first time. He had claimed – not you, exactly. He had claimed his right. He didn’t need words to tell me: this is my right. To take the woman you serve. To take her without asking, as you never can.

Then, when your orgasm had subsided, you turned. Turned without his asking. As if you, too, wanted to make sure I understood how you melted to this man.

Your hands slid down his chest as you went to your knees – not waiting to undress him, simply sinking, undoing his fly. You grabbed his cock – engorged and growing larger – and did not hesitate to bring it to your lips, flicking your tongue lightly over the tip.

It nearly broke my heart to watch the skill and devotion you exhibited in the act.

Knowing that I would no more experience your tongue sliding down my shaft than I would ever feel the inside of your pussy was utter torment. Having you share this with me was my delight.

You did not let him cum. Instead, when he was hard and dripping, you withdrew.

While he undressed, you walked over to me, removed my gag, and kissed me hard on the lips, making sure I could taste his precum.

As you re-fastened the gag, you whispered in my ear, “Good thing he’s not bi or that would have been your job.”

When you slid upon the bed, you careful to position yourself so that I could see him enter you. The two of you were slow and certain, as if you had agreed to make sure my cuckolding would not be swift.

He began to fuck you hard but let you cum before he did. I could see him holding back, see him ride your climax through.

Then you rose to him, whispered in his ear.

He looked at me and laughed.

“You’ve really never fucked her?” he asked as he slid outside you.

I shook my head; you reached for the nightstand.

“And he never will,” you said. “This is as close as he gets.”

There was a bottle of lube in your hand. Even the gag could not completely muffle the sound that came out of me as I realized what was next.

He lubed and fingered you and slipped his cock into your ass.

“Tell him,” you said as he slowly fucked your ass, “tell him how good it feels to have my tight hole wrapped around your cock.”

“Can you imagine? Can you?” he taunted.

I nodded my head, my tears blurring my vision.

As they cleared, I could see you were fully relaxed. He thrust harder, shuddered, and was still.

He withdrew, his cock glistening. You didn’t make a move.

“Untie him,” you said.

He nodded. He walked over to my chair and undid the rope.

I watched as his cum slowly began to seep out of you.

When he was finished, he looked at you.

“You may not want to see this,” you said.

He nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Take off your gag,” you said. “You know what to do.”

I climbed up behind you, lapping the cum off your butt cheeks.

I knew there was more. I licked at your opening.

I had never thrust my tongue inside the place where I knew it had to go. I knew you were clean. Knew from the sight of his shaft. Knew because I had cleaned you. Realized that you had this planned before I had bathed you.

I still had to fight my instincts. I took a deep breath and my tongue plunged in. I wanted the taste and smell of your pussy, but this was where you wanted me to be.

When I was finished, you held me.

“You can’t fuck me and you can’t cum,” you said as you stroked me gently. “Is there anything else you desire?”

I pulled myself close to you.

“Please,” I sobbed, “spend the night.”

You kissed me forehead.

“Of course,” you said.

You rose from the bed and beckoned me to the living room.

“I have a present for you.”

I was surprised to see he was still here, waiting.

You paid him no mind. Instead, you went to your bag and from it withdraw a set of plug-in headphones that you handed to me.

“Noise-canceling,” you said. “I hope they’re comfortable enough so you can sleep.”

It was then I saw the bedding on the couch. You were spending the night – just not with me.

I placed the plugs in my ears and turned the headphones on.

You took your lover’s hand and disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door.

I knew you needed a man like the one you were doubtless about to fuck again, the man whose name I did not know. Knew that you needed someone who would never ask permission, who would take you with pure masculine right.

I knew that you would never be satisfied without having the kind of sex I had just witnessed, any more than you could ever be satisfied without the occasional woman in your life.

But I also knew that you needed me, a sub who trusted you completely, whom you could scare, and humiliate, and hurt if you chose.

You needed all of us.

It had taken all my strength to endure the evening. To give myself so completely.

I was so, so proud that you had chosen me. That you had trusted me to play my part, because I knew that tonight was as special to you as it was to me. That having both of us at once – the man who would claim his right and the one who would suffer – was greater for you than having either of us alone.

I looked to the closed door. I could neither see nor hear a thing. But I knew you were delighted.

I, too, was fulfilled.

Friday, December 10, 2010

From submissive to boyfriend. Can a D/s relationship survive?

While straddling the boy, I thrust the nipple of my right breast into the his mouth and leaned into him, smothering him with my double D’s. He sucked furiously and, as he began struggling and thrashing as his oxygen ran out, the thought running through my head was “MINE. MINE. MINE.”

As I ground my hips into his, “MINE. MINE. MINE,” was all I could think.

As I raped his mouth with my tongue, as I gripped his cock so hard he winced in pain, “MINE. MINE. MINE.”

Only he’s not mine.

He doesn’t greet me by kissing my hand anymore. He doesn’t call me Mistress. He doesn’t do a dozen little things anymore because he isn’t MINE.

But the primal part of me that enjoyed owning him doesn’t seem to know that. That part of me that screams MINE even now, more than three weeks after we ended our D/s relationship as we try to patch together something that somewhat resembles dating.

I’m not the only one having these same internal conflicts. My best friend, Miss Apryl recently broke up with her collared, 24/7 slave that she'd been with for 9 months and has experienced difficulty transitioning from D/s to dating. She had so much trouble with it that she no longer has any relationship with him, in fact.

“I was just thinking we might be able to date without D/s. That was fucking stupid. I can't go back. When I found out he was jerking off without permission I nearly lost my shit. And that was after he moved out,” Miss Apryl recently revealed. “Even before that I didn’t like that he was no longer sitting to pee and every time he plopped down on the sofa, I was SO irritated.”

While their D/s relationship was in effect, Miss Apryl’s slave was require to sit every time he urinated and had to ask permission to sit on her furniture. These little rituals, like me requiring my sub to always greet me by kissing my hand, were small but meaningful reminders of their submission and indicators of their respect for us.

And we miss them.

I recognize that when non-D/s relationships evolve, it is not always without incident. This I know only too well as my friends with benefits relationship with my FMT evolves into a friendship that’s more emotionally intimate yet devoid of the yummy benefits I’ve enjoyed so much over the past two years. I’m struggling with the transition and that’s probably another blog altogether.

But I feel like the battle to turn a D/s relationship into a dating relationship is probably a lot different. Miss Apryl hypothesizes that this is probably because of the ownership element of D/s and as I reflect upon the feelings of MINE MINE MINE I’m having in regards to my former sub, I tend to agree.

"Trying to date after D/s feels like the relationship is going backwards," Miss Apryl said. "And when you have that level of commitment, you can never go back."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Moving in and moving on

I recently moved in with my FMT. I'm renting his guest room. We're not LIVING TOGETHER.

It's a temporary thing. It works for now. It helps us both out.

We're still friends with benefits, my FMT and me. In fact, I think we've increased the friendship factor.

But the fact of the matter is, I'm living with a guy I have a history with, one that I have enjoyed fucking.

This didn't go over well with my sub.

I've never made a secret of being polyamorous. My sub knew it when he contacted me and knew that I've been seeing other guys since we've met.

So a week ago I was surprised when he admitted to feelings of raging jealousy and then verbally attacked me and my lifestyle choices.

The short version of our break up is this: he can't handle me being polyamorous.

Somewhere along the way, he'd fallen in love with me. It wasn't planned. It just happened. And he'd dealt with his insecurities and kept his jealousy under control until I moved in with my FMT. Then something in him snapped.

Somewhere along the way, I'd fallen for him too. How could I not? I enjoyed him in every way - kinky and vanilla. The play was phenomenal AND I loved spending time with him outside of the bedroom. He's smart and witty and I enjoyed his company as much as I craved his submission.  He was a guy I could almost picture building a life with.

Until he snapped.

He's not poly. He doesn't get it. He can't handle it.

It's unfortunate. It's tragic, really. I've waited so long to find a sub I connect with. One who could satisfy my needs, D/s and otherwise.

If he was a cuck, he'd be perfect.

We're at a stalemate, my (former) sub and I. He can't handle even the thought of me with other guys. I'm polyamorous.

I'm a glass is half full kind of girl so I have to admit it's probably for the best that if this was going to be an issue, it's good that it came up now. As sadistic as I am, I don't relish hurting someone emotionally and clearly I was doing that to my sub.

I just had no idea that by moving in, it meant that I'd be moving on.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Poly by permission

I’m poly. This is no secret to the boys I see, vanilla or kinky. It can’t be. It’s a part of who I am.

When I began seeing my sub almost two months ago, we discussed polyamory. He’d been a live-in submissive to a married Domme whose husband was a Dom and also had a live in sub, so he’d experienced poly. However, he’d never been allowed to see anyone but her, never experienced how it is to maintain multiple relationships himself.

As a Dominant, I realize I’m perfectly within my rights to ensure my sub doesn’t see anyone else while they are with me. What’s good for the goose doesn’t necessarily apply to the gander.

But I’m also fair.

Early in our relationship I let him know I’d be open to allowing him to date but that he’d need to ask first.

“So let me get this straight. You’re poly and I’m poly by permission.”

I laughed and said yes.

So yesterday the subject arose and he asked permission to date. He is seeing me date other guys and wants to experience polyamory himself.

My first instinct was to react with "MINE MINE MINE" like a child who has been asked to share her toys. I can't help it. But after a little discussion, my reasoning prevailed and I agreed. However, I advised him there would be parameters.

Of course he’s going to have rules.

  1. You may spend no more than 30 minutes a day on dating websites corresponding with and screening potential dates.
  2. An hour or less before any date, you must masturbate, cum and consume your cum. Unless you are in chastity at the time or doing a special assignment for me, assume you have permission to cum in this scenario so you don’t need to ask. However, you should text me and let me know you’ve done it.
  3. No kissing on the first date.
  4. You must wear panties on your first 3 dates.
  5. Text or call me after each date. I don’t expect a report unless I ask but I want to know you’re home safe.
  6. I own your orgasm. If you plan to have sex, you must ask permission.
  7. Ensure she’s clean. ASK.
  8. Use protection during sex.
  9. You can’t take anyone on nicer dates than you take me.
  10. You may not submit to anyone else.
  11. She may not leave any visible marks on you.
  12. You should keep me updated as things progress so that we can decide when it is appropriate for her to learn about your lifestyle and me.
  13. I am your number one priority. I get first dibs on your time.
The idea of the rules isn't to make dating difficult for him, though reading over the rules one might assume that's the case.

Hey, if I'm going to share my toys, it's going to be on my terms.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My poly partners' other partners

Being poly, embracing polyamory, is still quite new to me so a lot of what I'm encountering as I sort through poly relationships with my partners is new.

What's new and even more unexpected is the fact that I'm sorting through the poly relationships my partners are having with others too.

During the short time I was with 9, we'd established that we were to be each other's primary partners and that we'd pursue other relationships outside that. These were to be primarily D/s relationships since we were both Dominant and topping each other was not an option.

9 decided to consider a femsub he'd previously dated and actually brought into the lifestyle years ago. We talked extensively about this. I urged him to be clear with her so that she understood what he wanted from her. I didn't want her to mistakenly think that there was a long term relationship in their future when he wanted her friendship and submission only.

I didn't want to be involved in direct communication with her. I just thought this was between them. Fairly quickly though I was sucked into being friends with her and I found it more pleasant than I anticipated. She did understand her "place" in things but still had lots of questions about how this poly relationship would work. I think the ease of which she was handling things surprised even her and was mostly because she liked me.

Had things worked out, I'm not sure where things would have gone with 9's sub and me. But after 9 walked away from me, her and the lifestyle altogether, 9's sub and I were left to scratch our heads and wonder what the fuck happened. Together.

In the week since the break up, we've grown quite close. As different as our relationships were with 9, there are similarities and it's weird but nice we can help each other through this. At the same time, it's distracted me somewhat from my own process of getting through the breakup.

In many ways, her attachment is so much stronger due to the past they shared. I diagnosed her early after they breakup as having an addiction to Man Crack, with 9 being her drug of choice. So I've spent a lot of time helping her through all of this much in the way you'd help a friend whose boyfriend dumped them. Only it was MY boyfriend who dumped her.

With another poly partner, I've spent some time coaching his prospective poly partner. I've answered questions and tried to give examples that might make sense.

He's already got a primary partner. I went into things with him knowing that wouldn't change, not even trying to seek a relationship with him and then being a little surprised to find myself in one.

I look at what we have now much like friends with benefits with a deeper connection. He won't ever be my primary partner. I'm not sad about this and am happy to enjoy him just as he is.

I suppose this was easier for me because I am polyamorous. For his other poly partner, it has not been.

As we've gotten to know each other, she and I have grown into a real friendship. We have a lot in common so it's been easy to enjoy getting to know each other. Still, I steered clear of talking to her about their relationship. I knew she had real concerns about engaging in a polyamorous relationship but I refrained from talking about her relationship with him, and my relationship with him, until she was ready.

When she did want to talk about it, I found it difficult to navigate the subject without stomping on the land mines. I tried not to use my relationship with him as an example and tried not to go into too much detail.
I tried to be a friend without meddling, but occasionally the craziness of what I was doing struck me and I almost had to laugh. I was helping a guy I adore get another girl. And I was helping that girl understand why she could and should be with that guy.

Compersion is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I am not his primary partner. I'm not setting rules. And she's not his submissive. My role is simply to be his friend. Now, I'm hers because of that. And the fact that I adore her.

Perhaps I'm lucky that in both situations, my poly partners' other partners are women I adore.
Maybe I should just chalk it up to the fact that I happen to choose men who have excellent taste in women.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Horoscopes

9 broke things off this morning. He has reconnected with an ex girlfriend he still has feelings for and wants to pursue things with her. She's not poly or in the lifestyle so he feels he needs to walk away from me and the lifestyle in order to be with her.

To an extent, I understand this. I've recently reconnected with my FMT, the vanilla guy I dated off and on last year. I had intended to explore things with him even before 9 broke things off so I totally get that he feels the same. I wouldn't have ended things with 9 to do it, but I didn't have to. Having an open relationship allows you certain flexibilities like that.

But back to this morning.

I was stunned that less than a week after we declared ourselves in an open relationship 9 was breaking things off. Immediately after our conversation, one of my main thoughts was "I don't want to be alone right now." Some people need to be alone in times like this. I need people.

I knew my FMT wasn't working. I called him up and asked him if I could spend the day with him. He agreed.

It was a dangerous idea. It was reckless and I knew it and I went there anyway. When we were together our chemistry was epic and I correctly assumed it hadn't diminished sufficiently in the five months we've been apart so of course we ended up in bed.

But alas, this blog is NOT about hot reunion sex with my FMT. It's about horoscopes.

I hadn't been there long when my FMT told me to check the newspaper for his horoscope.

"You're not going to believe what it said," he told me.

I fumbled through the paper until I found it:
Don't be surprised if a close friend expects both moral and material support from you because clearly owe him/her that much. Do what you can on his/her behalf.
I looked up and him with big eyes, "Oh my God." Then I laughed, "YES you totally DO owe me!"

"Yes, I know," my FMT admitted. Part of the reason he wanted to reconnect with me was to apologize for the way he treated me while we together, in particular, for our break up.

Then I joked, "Damn I should be asking you for money too!"

Then I found mine:
Finding time to spend with someone you've been yearning to see might unexpectedly open up for you. However, you might still have to make some fancy excuses to take advantage of it.

"Holy shit that's creepy!" We both laughed.

"YEARNING to see, Lilyana? Have you been YEARNING to see me?" my FMT joked, never missing an opportunity to harass me.

"Oh whatever," I tried to laugh it off. Then only slightly more seriously, "You already knew I wanted to see you."

It appears the stars were aligned perfectly for my FMT and I to spend time together today. On the heels of a break up with 9, one might even go so far as to say it's some kind of sign my FMT and I should be together.

Nah.

I'm grateful we've reconnected. I'm grateful he was there for me today as a friend. I'm super grateful for the hot reunion sex.

What does the future hold for my FMT and me? We've settled on a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship. It's worked for us before. But will it work for us again? Only the stars know.

And don't think I won't be checking my horoscope every day

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Am I polyamorous?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past 3 years.

First I learned I am bi sexual. Mmmm that was a deliciously welcome discovery. The thrill I felt when she first said, "I think I might have a crush on you" has evolved into something I enjoy more than I ever imagined.

Then I learned I am Dominant or rather 6 identified it in me and encouraged it. This changed the way I look at men and honestly, life in general.

Both of these things have become an integral part of me.

Lately I've done a lot of introspection trying to figure out who this bi Dominant Lilyana is, how to integrate those aspects of her into her existing life and what will make her happy.

When I consider my future, obviously I don't see myself in a conventional relationship. There will be kinky aspects to be sure, possibly D/s. But lately I'm seeing clear indications that there may be more than one unconventional relationship in my future.

According to alt.polyamory, Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved.

If I consider that definition, I'm definitely poly because even if I find Mr. Right tomorrow, I'll want to keep a female FWB (friends with benefits). Now that I've sampled the deliciousness that is known as woman, I don't think I can go without. And I don't want to always share that with a man, even the elusive Mr. Right.

Is there even a Mr. Right for me? My ONE? I've begun to think maybe there isn't one single person who can satisfy all my intellectual and physical desires, particularly the kinky ones.

I adore submissive men and can easily see having one in my life. At the same time, I'm still thrilled by the type of equal partnership I experienced with my FMT over the year we dated and can easily see a pseudo vanilla guy like him in my life. A consort, if you will.

And then there's the need to have a delicious woman around to satisfy my need for soft yumminess from time to time.

So I'm poly. Simple enough right?

Anyone who is polyamorous will tell you that there are challenges. Relationship challenges, just like any other, certainly, but also challenges regarding how to integrate this lifestyle into your vanilla life. What do you tell and not tell your friends and family? How do you address this with your potential partners? What are the dynamics like when you have multiple partners?

These are all questions I'm asking myself and those I know engaged in the lifestyle. I'm reading and researching and will continue to do so.

What does this change for me right now?

Very little actually. I am dating both vanilla and submissive men and I'm upfront with them about the fact that I'm seeing other men. I also let them know I expect them to be supportive of my kinky endeavors, even if they aren't include in them. So far I've been pleasantly surprised at how easy it has been to find guys, kinky AND vanilla, who are open to this kind of arrangement. Nothing has evolved into a long term relationship yet but I'm hopeful and am willing to be patient.

I have a female sub I also consider my FWB. Although admittedly, no guy has yet to protest this arrangement and I don't anticipate this being an issue.

So basically the only thing that this revelation changed is my outlook on my future. I'm not longer worried about finding my ONE. And I'm no longer worried about whether or not my ONE is submissive or if I need someone I consider my equal as my ONE. This releases me to enjoy the fabulous men and boys (and females) who wander into my life for what they are and what we have together without the pressure of monogamy and "commitment."

Is this really a revelation? Apparently only to me. Upon telling one of my pseudo vanilla best friends, she exclaimed, "Really? Really? How could you not know you're poly! It's like you've been taking all of the classes all along and just never declared your major."