"Can't live with him, can't live without him."
"He's perfect for me and completely wrong for me."
"He's my disease and my cure."
Occasionally a woman will find a man she becomes completely addicted to. Toxic or not, he becomes her affliction. He's oh so wrong for her, and she knows it, but he's like crack - dangerously addictive - and she can't stay away.
It seems lately I've noted a couple of girlfriends going through this. Of course this has NEVER happened to me. Ever. Seriously.
My first experience with man crack was my college boyfriend. He wasn't my normal pretty boy, athletic and sociable. It didn't matter that I had a boyfriend at the time either. I was inexplicably drawn to him and instantly addicted to him.
Quickly I grew to love him with an intensity that surprised me. The very independent young woman I'd become found herself unable to be away from him. I couldn't wait to see him in between classes, couldn't wait to get him back into my bed.
I vividly remember being across the room from him and feeling a physical loss at not being near him. And when I was near him, I couldn't seem to get close enough. If I could have crawled inside him, I would have.
My ex husband was nearly as addictive, at least in the time before we were married. I couldn't get enough of him. I can remember on more than one occasion "feeling him" enter a room as if just being in his proximity provoked a physical reaction in me.
My FMT is the latest addition to my man crack experiences. He's completely wrong for me in so many ways yet I cannot shake my addiction to him even now, nearly a year after my first "hit."
Our chemistry is palpable. Sometimes I feel like it's a physical force all its own. To be near him is inexplicably intoxicating. Simply having his arm around me snuggling during a movie is like foreplay.
Having man crack in your life is a double edged sword. When you're getting your fix, when you're feeding your addiction, everything is beautiful, exhilarating and perfect and you forget all of the reasons why your man crack is dangerous. Then when he's gone, when things don't work out, you're left with terrible withdrawal symptoms. You feel anxious for no apparent reason and you feel crazy for not being able to walk away from what is clearly something very bad for you.
Man crack is a real addiction not just for me but for my friends. We've spent hours pondering why intelligent women such as ourselves can't seem to just walk away from our man crack when we KNOW the perils of our addiction.
Being addicted to something, to someone, means you're experiencing feelings you cannot control. As much as I look forward to finding THE perfect sub, that one who trips all my triggers, whose submission I crave more than any others, I sincerely hope he's not man crack.
Cumboy once told me, "You are like a drug (a good one too, Columbian shit - uncut and pure)." I LOVE that! I prefer to be a guy's drug of choice. How's that for a double standard? Eh who cares. I'm in charge. I get to make the rules. :)