Sunday, August 14, 2011

Maybe I'm just greedy

I'm polyamorous. I'm a Domme. But I don't want MY sub submitting to another Domme while he's submitting to me.

Maybe that means I'm not poly. Maybe I'm just greedy.

I've previously considered and given permission to a sub to date others while we were together. It was permission with conditions, sure. I'm the Dominant and I have that right.

I believe that being poly means you're ok with your partners being involved with others. And I am. I've been involved with other people who are poly and I've also been involved with non-polys who were seeing others while we were together. And I was REALLY ok with it.

I just don't want someone who is submitting to me on a regular basis submitting to anyone else.

Is it a double standard? Yes. Because even though I've never had multiple serious subs at once, I often have more than one sub that I'm considering and/or playing with.

No, what's good for the Goose isn't good for the gander.

D/s is the difference. It's not just sex. It's not even sex and dating. It's a much more special connection.

There's an ownership element to D/s that throws my being poly all off kilter. There's a feeling of MINE I have with subs, even former subs, that I never had when I was monogamous, even when I was married.

And when I think of a sub of mine kneeling for another Domme, I feel a little sick. I believe that's something special he should only share with me. Date someone else, fuck someone else, but no, I'm not ok with you submitting to someone else.

I don't think that's wrong either. But then again, maybe I'm just greedy.


  1. Some days I feel like being greedy too being in a polyamorous relationship. Some days I find it is jealousy too, but know how you feel.

  2. I totally understand your point of view. I am having a very hard time with this when it comes to my relationship. I am married in a mostly vanilla relationship, I recently found a has proved to be interesting combining the two.

  3. @SabbyK: Jealousy and polyamory ... that would be another good blog topic.

    My thing is that as long as I know that my partner and I have something special together, I don't feel jealous. It's when I don't feel that special connection that I feel ... jealous I guess? I guess I consider D/s that special connection and I don't want them sharing that with someone else.

    @Storyofthebee: Poly is tough. Throwing D/s dynamics into the mix ... very challenging. Thanks for commenting!

  4. Poly is tough, no question about it.

    A Dom/me is a bit greedy, is a bit sadistic, is a bit selfish. That's OK, so long as the Sub accepts that, and it's even better if the Sub wants that. The extent of this is up to the defintion of the relationship, IMO.

    For me, to help me as a sub get over the poly of my Domme (MyLady is not poly, btw), I would need to be reminded that I am her property. I am indeed HERS. In time, it would be possible, I think, to train me (or any sub for that matter) to not only agree to the poly, but to enjoy it, and enjoy the fact that you enjoy it, too.

    Same with the non-poly of a Sub. It's part of the D/S dynamic. The same thing that "allows" you to whip him or tie him up, or pee on him, or "force-bi" him, allows you to be poly, but him not.

    Just my $0.02

  5. Great post as always! i think what this shows is that you are more dominant than polyamorous. in other words, dominance takes precedence over being polyamorous for you. i totally agree: of course there's a double standard in D/s - there has to be. it makes total sense that You would feel a sense of ownership as a Domme - that feeling of "mine" You mentioned. Regardless of their own personal fetishes (e.g. cucky tendencies), a sub should respect that and actually get pleasure from whatever gives you pleasure, even if that includes having other subs at the same time.

  6. @The Butler: Your point of "... I would need to be reminded that I am her property. I am indeed HERS." is a good one. For the dynamic to work well, everyone involved needs to be clear on that. Again, it all comes back to communication.

    @Dan Curtis: I think you're probably right - I'm more Dominant than polyamorous. Thanks for sharing your observation. I'd have never considered that!

  7. This is a really, really excellent topic. Just the other day I saw a female slave post on twitter something about wanting to play with another girl. Then she used the hashtag #poly. I didn't comment, but I thought "WTF?". What on earth does playing with another have to do with being poly?

    Most people can't even seem to figure out how to properly love one person, let alone several. I know that I'm too jealous to ever be in a true poly relationship. But of course, I would love to be allowed to play with others.

    I wish we lived closer, I'd love to talk to you more about this.


  8. @_sub_girl: I guess it all depends on how you define "playing." I'm not ok with him submitting to another but pretty much any other kind of sexual "play" would be ok with me.

    I would agree with your assertion that playing with others, regardless of your definition of "play," doesn't make you poly. It's the emotional and spiritual connection of a real relationship with more than one person, where love is involved, that makes you poly.

    I'd love to discuss it further with you anytime. We may live far apart but there are phones and computers and things that help people out in situations like ours :P

  9. Jealousy and that blog post on the go ;)

    But yes, I don't feel jealous when I have that special thing, and I have found I don't get jealous with certain things as long as we talk about it. But then there are other things that really get to me. There are a few things we need to look at and work out, but that will come with time and communication as we continue the relationship.

  10. Mistress Lilyana,

    I am new to your blog, but found this topic interesting. I feel that in a D/s partnership, when both partners have discussed early in the relationship what is expected of Top and bottom, one item of discussion should be whether a submissive is allowed to serve another Domme outside of his relationship with his primary Domme. I have no issue if my Domme ordered me not to serve another, and if she elected to have other submissive's serve her. Does this mean I wouldn't be jealous? Of course I would be! What hormone filled, orgasm denied submissive wouldn't be?

    Your the Domme, be strong and stick to your convictions!

    Best regards,


    1. Duane -

      Two years after I posted this, your comment has entice me to re-read it. I still feel very similarly though since the post, I've learned that I can play a little more casually. I still feel very possessive of someone I feel is MINE but if they're a play partner and not MINE, I don't completely lose my shit thinking of them playing with someone else. Perhaps I'm not as greedy as I'd thought. ;)