Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Romantic shit

I once had a potential bring me my favorite lavender roses with a bottle of my favorite wine. He scored serious points for his sweetness AND for paying attention. And to this day, a picture of the roses he gave me is the background on my phone.

But this guy is the exception, not the rule, at least in my world.

Perhaps there is something about me that repels romantic gestures. Maybe I'm too independent. It's true. I'll buy my own damn flowers. Maybe guys can sense that about me. 

But I wonder if maybe it's my dominance. 

Nodder once told me, "It's tough for me to sweep you off your feet when I feel like I should be kissing them." Whenever I long for a guy to be all romantic and shit, I remember those words and wonder if the very thing that makes me ME is the very thing that's inhibiting a guy's desire to be romantic. 

This troubles me so I asked around. One vanilla guy I know told me he couldn't ever be submissive because he's such a romantic. This fascinated me and I had to know why. 

"When I think of romancing a woman, I think of it coming from a position of confidence and strength.  Sort of the proud hunter bringing in his quarry.  So I think the power relationship in that case is very much titled in the man's favor." Femdom relationships, not so much.

This made me think back to the romantic gestures I have received over the past few years from males and I was startled to realize they were almost exclusively from vanilla guys, Doms and switches - all definitely the hunter type.

Another friend of mine, a male sub, pointed out that males, generally speaking, are bad with romantic gestures. He also suggested that most male subs start with bad porn and that bad porn typically portrays female dominants to be much different than I am. 

"Even if they get past the habits and attitudes engendered by bad porn, they are more likely to have played with someone who uses her dominance as a personal shield. So then when they get to you, they've got to shed all these layers. They have to know that kink is only a part of who you are and what you want the relationship to be."

Well, here's the thing. I can demand things and certain behavior. I can assign tasks that yield romantic results. But what I really want is a guy that'll do those things unprompted just to make me smile. 

And yeah, kink is only part of who I am. I want so much more out of relationship than that. I want all the kink AND all the romantic shit. 

Leave a sweet note on my car. Send flowers to me at my office. Take me on a picnic in the mountains. Do romantic shit. Woo me. Sweep me off my feet, damnit. 


  1. I don't think them not being romantic has anything to do with you being Dominant and I don't think you can't be submissive because you are so romantic. The two are not related at all in my opinion.

    I do think that perhaps it is a possibility that the reason the sub males are not being romantic to you is because you allow them to get away with it. What I mean is up until now you haven't complained about it right? So to them they think its okay. This doesn't mean you have to say hey go get me some damn flowers. It means you tell them up front that you want to feel valued and you admire a submissive male with an adventurous heart. Raise your expectations or make them known from the beginning and don't let them slide by with it. If you don't feel valued, appreciated, or romanced then say so to them and expect them to come up with a way how to fix it.


    1. I'm totally hearing you and I know I can make it an assignment but the whole point of a romantic gesture is, to me anyway, that it's given freely without me prompting them. If I have to ask for it, it's a command or an assignment OR WORSE me being needy. I loathe feeling needy.

    2. no I didn't express it right then. I am not saying make it an assignment trust me that would suck big time taking the whole point of romance out of it. I know how that is I used to be married to a man who would literally look at me and ask me "do you wanna fuck?" I would be like nope not now I don't thanks. What I mean is in looking at potentials tell them that in compatibility you expect to be valued. See where it goes from there.


  2. For me, I *want* to do those things, but I've generally that while I am attracted to dominant women, I am also unhinged by them. So what ends up happening is that I am afraid of giving too much undue attention, like I'm trying too hard. So what happens is the romantic guy I know I am freaks out a bunch at the outset, leading to frustrations on both sides.

    And I agree that kink and romance are certainly not mutually exclusive. In fact I think they go quite well together.

    It may just take a little while of getting comfortable with each other if it's a new relationship. Also, while asking for specific romance does break the magic, I'd like to think a non-specific 'I like romance' should be enough for an invested partner to take the ball and run with it.

    1. "...I am afraid of giving too much undue attention, like I'm trying too hard."

      I didn't even realize this was possible. *thinks about it* Nope, I've never been on the receiving end of trying to hard. I should think I'd enjoy that.

      "...I'd like to think a non-specific 'I like romance' should be enough..."

      I'd like to think that this doesn't even need to be said. Is there any woman anywhere that doesn't like romantic shit? Even the ones that say they don't will admit that they secretly do.

      And while I typically agree that you should articulate your relationship needs with your partner, this is one area where doing so would make it seem like I'm making it a command.

  3. I have to disagree... someone can be a submissive & a romantic, he just needs to be into HER and not what she does to him.

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  5. I have so many feels about this post!!

    Firstly it makes me angry: No, it's not you 'being the Domme'! It's THEM. Idiots! *ranty arm waving*

    The short version:

    Submissive men are supposed to be all about the pleasing, so theoretically they should be BETTER than vanilla men at romancing a woman and lame excuses are lame.

    I also think that some submissive men think that 'being submissive' means 'I don't have to do shit in this relationship except turn up'. That's just pure selfish laziness.

    If I am generous, and to a point made above, I do think some new/shy/insecure submissive men *could* be too scared to make romantic gestures in case they are doing the wrong thing. So I do think there is a place for the dominant to make it clear that it's welcome and wanted.

    As to why I've not struck it, it's because I lose interest if I'm not wooed like a motherfucker, so guys who think it's unnecessary weed themselves out. Romantic gestures to me are about care and thoughtfulness and sweetness, and they flow naturally from him feeling that. If he doesn't/can't/won't demonstrate that he feels that as we are starting to build the relationship, I'm out.

    The longer, even more rantier (is SO a word) version is here *smile*:

    Romancing the Domme


  6. You treat people how to treat you. You can raise the bar so they rise to meet your expectations or you can lower it so you lower yourself to theirs. You are not even remotely about lowering yourself so they don't have to rise up. SO..... DON'T. It is perfectly okay to let people know, you want romance. Let them take that ball and roll with it. Romance doesn't mean hearts and flowers to everyone. Some girls genuinely don't want flowers. Everyone wants 'just because'. That means partners must always be paying attention. What matters to them? How can I make them smile today? If someone isn't doing that for you, why are you wasting time on them?

  7. I am s submissive man, living in a female led marriage, and I have no problem what so ever being romantic. In fact, I think my submissive role makes it easier to be romantic. In our hose it is what is expected. Miss Jessica is not all mushy mushy and lovy dubby, but she expects that I do the little things at unexpected times to show her that I love her for the woman she is way above and beyond our female led marriage lifestyle. I personally think that the cards fall perfectly for a sub male to be romantic. In reference to some of the comments above, I think that in some scenarios , the Domme may need to let it be known from the beginning as to what she expects as far as romance, that way the sub is not doing these things as an assignment, or asking her what she wants. In my opinion though, if the physical and emotional connection are made between the Domme and the sub, being romantic should be a no brainer. Regardless how long your Domme wants to hold you chaste, or how hard she wants to whip or spank you, or in some cases how many different ways she wants to humiliate you, at the end of the day you should both still love each other, and even the most devious of dommes would love a box of chocolates and flowers from time to time.

  8. Can't say that I have a lot of experience in the matter, but here's my two cents:

    I'll bet that there are at least a few men out there who were hoping that it would be you that swept them off their feet. Certainly the minority, but at least a couple who would love to get flowers at the office or a note left on the window. They want to be the quarry, not the hunter.

    The role of the suitor that is traditionally assigned to men is not one that is enjoyed without exception. There are some men that don't have to confidence for it; others simply don't know how. Then there's the submissive mindset, which often (although by no means universally) focuses on obedience rather than spontaneity, which looks to others for validation rather than presuming it.

    I'm not about to suggest that you martyr yourself and pull all the weight in the relationship. As always, one has to be a good judge of character. And it's certainly fine to say 'I'm just not interested in that kind of person'. But it's worth keeping in mind that there are at least a few guys out there who might be looking to you for direction and initiative, rather than the other way around.

  9. This is going to sound harsh but it is not meant to be so please know that.....Maybe they're just not that into YOU. They may be into the "Mistress Lilyana" Domme persona, and what they get out of that dynamic, but not you, personally. Happens all the time and is just the general nature of what you do. Men you "play" with are attracted to you for that reason, the play. especially since you have stated that you are generally attracted to dominant men who like to submit. They want the hard, strict, part of you. They don't want to soften and woo you because when they are with you it is the one time in their life they can let go of control and to do that, they need the strict, demanding Domme. Also, if they're married, maybe romance crossing the line of what is acceptable conduct with other. If a man enjoys submitting and his wife isn't dominant, I could see her being ok with him spending time with a Domme, but if he were to bring romance into that relationship I could see where that would feel odd. Maybe you need to re-evaluate what your goal is with relationships and adjust your search accordingly.


  10. Your point about not wanting to soften the hard/strict aspect of me by wooing me is an interesting one. I feel like maybe they struggle to comprehend that I am a woman in control yet still a woman sometimes.

    And to your point on married men, the potential that brought me flowers and wine is married. Poly, but married, so while your theory sounds reasonable, in practice, it doesn't hold true, at least not in my world.

  11. I'm late to the party, but thought I'd toss in a comment.

    First, men, in general, do not know what "romantic" is. I'm not making excuses, nor asking women to teach us. I'm saying that there was a time when I had to ask, "Am I being romantic when I do this?"

    Second, as a submissive man, I often feel like I should get permission to do things, even things that should be rather obvious. I have needed permission, for example, to enjoy being hurt, and to ask for it. As I know Mistress rather well at this time, I do not need to ask permission to be romantic in the ways I know she will enjoy. I know it is appreciated and, if not exactly expected, it would be missed if I were to stop.

    A final thought, sometimes the thought makes it romantic. The first weekend I spent with Mistress, I bought Her a towel. I just didn't want Her to have to use a rough hotel towel that someone else had wiped over their body a few days ago. The gift confused Her at first, but now towels have a special place in our world. They will always be a bit romantic for us.

  12. In my experience there is a need that is bone deep. It doesn't come from our upbringing, experiences, or even our superficial make-up. It's as primal and real as the sun rising tomorrow, yet in our modern times it's ignored, covered up in shiny fantasy, forgotten. Yet this need still makes itself known. Usually when you're alone, or tired, or when the hustle and bustle of life have quieted down for a bit. You feel it like a sweet pain. That certain sense that you're not complete, and you won't be complete until you find the "One."

    That certain being made just for you. He will not be some Greek god who will fulfill your wildest fantasies, or some paragon of Kink that takes you to some dark edge of sensation. Instead he will just be a man, with as many faults, and failures as anyone else. But he will be yours, and yours alone. Body and soul. As you will be to him. And you will rejoice in it. He will light a fire in you that will come from a place much deeper than wicked thoughts, and you'll never have to question it, because it will just...be.

    You will be eclipsed by the shadow of this man, but you will not be diminished, and your shadow will eclipse him, and he will not be concerned either. He will be a hero to you, as no other man can, and when you look at him in that certain way, with pride shining in your eyes, this man. This beautiful man, will cross oceans, climb mountains, and slay dragons for you or die trying. He will do it without thought, because he will cherish you more than his own life. And you will do things for him that no other woman can or ever will.

    Love. True Love. When other's see you together, you're like a light that makes everything else look drab and weary, because it reveals undeniable truth. It just... is.

    Find him.