Wednesday, May 19, 2010

One year

Last month marked the 1 year anniversary of me being on Twitter. This month will be the anniversary of my blog. It's not necessarily a reason to celebrate but it has made me reflect.

One year ago I wasn't "out." I hadn't attended a munch, an erotic rope bondage class, a play party, anything.

Now I'm a regular in the Vegas kink community. I'm on the Board of Directors for Reverse Tensionz. I've attended one of the hottest, kinkiest, sex filled parties in town and several other lifestyle and fetish events. Moreover, I'm comfortable at these events and sincerely enjoy the company of like-minded kinksters.

One year ago I had maybe two or three friends in the lifestyle. Sure I had a few open minded nillas in my life, but no one I was close to could really identify with what I was dealing with as I found my place in the lifestyle. In addition to not having a close, understanding person with whom I could share this, I could claim not one single interaction with another female dominant. Not one.

Now I call many kinksters my friends, in Las Vegas and all over the country. My circle of friends now includes porn stars, fetish models and other sex workers. I've also met some of the top erotic rope bondage people in the country.

Yes, my circle of kinky friends is indeed more extensive. But I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I now know several female Dominants, some of whom I've met on Twitter. I even call one of them my bestie.

From my Domme BFF I've learned so much about the lifestyle. Having someone with which to collaborate on the many ways to torture boys has been wonderful. And while we celebrate all of the joys and compare notes on boys under consideration, we also commiserate on all of our challenges too.

One year ago I didn't recognize I'm polyamorous. I say RECOGNIZE because I surely have been poly for a while. However, I hadn't had any exposure to others who embraced their polyamory so I just assumed I had a different outlook on life and love and sex that didn't include jealousy.

Now I recognize I'm polyamorous and am completely open and up front about it with those with whom I choose to get involveds. I no longer think about finding THE ONE or Mr. Right and worry he won't be everything I need in real life AND in the bedroom. I also look at others who believe solely in monogamy and wish they'd open their minds a bit. I've found that when you set aside everything you've learned about monogamy being the "right" way, life is so much simpler.

One year ago I'd given up on dating vanilla guys, just after I began dating my pseudo-vanilla FMT. One year ago we were dating but not exclusive. It was about one year ago that he'd said if we did date seriously, I'd have to give up "all my other guys."

Now my FMT and I are no longer together. We dated a full year and our relationship evolved as did his feelings about monogamy and my domming. He was literally the only vanilla guy I dated up until recently, and he truly changed my outlook on things.

You could argue that I shouldn't be dating anyone not in the lifestyle, but dating my FMT showed me there are, in fact, open minded vanilla guys out there who would be OK with me continuing to dom other guys. And that I don't have to dominate a guy in order to date them. He also taught me that topping vanilla boys can be fun, particularly tying them up.

Dating submissives has been challenging in many ways, and in others, not challenging enough. I've always gravitated to submissives who are Dominant in their vanilla lives. The more Dominant they are in real life, the hotter it is for me.

Lately I'm finding myself drawn to lifestyle Doms, too. They challenge me in every way and I find I also enjoy connecting and collaborating with them about D/s. Doms seem to "get" me in ways no one else does probably because our mindset is so similar. The fact that they feed my top fantasy doesn't hurt.

One year ago I'd tried domming a female. I'd found it hot but recognized I had no driving desire to have females submit to me.

Earlier this year I had a female submissive who was easily the best submissive I've had so far. Adjusting my style for a woman wasn't nearly as challenging as I'd imagined it would be. I also really enjoyed the major benefits of getting my dose of girl more frequently. And playing with her is way off the hotness meter.

However, I've discovered that I find play with boys more intoxicating and intellectually gratifying. In the future, I'll still consider exceptional females that cross my path but I've recently grown to understand that domming male subs is what best satisfies my D/s cravings.

One year ago I'd begun to embrace my inner sadist. Through my play with my Dom friend, I'd found an enormous and inexplicable joy in hurting his cock and balls and discovered fun ways to inflict CBT. With him, I'd also just experienced my first impact play outside of spanking.

Although I'm still more sensual than sadistic, my inner sadist isn't shy at all about coming out to play now. I continued to play games with pain on my Dom friend until he moved and then I branched out to hone my skills on subs who were new to me.

In fact, I've become somewhat of an expert at converting boys who aren't into pain into pain sluts. They WANT to take pain from me to please me and I discovered that in mixing pain and pleasure, I can train them to desire both. I've also discovered it's hotter to convert a boy into a pain slut than it is to find one aching for my physical brutality.

On the topic of finding new boys, I won't list the number of boys I've talked to or even just the ones I've considered over the past year. To do so would be monumentally depressing. The good news is that now I'm much more efficient with the process and drastically better at being able to determine which boys are truly submissive, which are bottoms and which are merely kinky.

One year ago I still worried what people thought about me and my dominance. I wondered if showing my sensitive side and revealing my flaws would diminish my dominance. I was myself anyway, but I wondered what others thought.

Now I don't care. I celebrate my sensitivity and my flaws and have no qualms sharing my challenges, even my dating challenges, or my feelings through my tweets and my blogs. I make the best blond brownies ever and there are times when I've been addicted to a man. I don't mind revealing these things mainly because I know it doesn't diminish my dominance to do so.

Over the past year, I've begun to settle into my dominance. I know without a doubt this is who I am and exactly where I'm supposed to be. I love the thrill of being Dominant and know it's something I can't live without.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks to @musingincolor for editing this blog and whipping those typos into shape. *hugs and ass smacks*

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  2. Excellent post. Reflection is a great tool to seeing how far ou have come, measuring goals and just all around feeling good about yourself as you adjust to the ever evolving life that BDSM gives you.

    HuGz,
    Sarah Blake

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  3. Just a note to say how grateful I am for the blog. You've made me hot, you've made me laugh, and you've made me incredibly envious of your life and all those in it.
    Tantalized

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  4. I love your outlook on the lifestyle. Your writing are so informing and entertaining. My email is canecat5@live.com. I am yarddog on fetlife and a huge fan of yours.

    ReplyDelete