Wednesday, June 5, 2013

On relationships and not knowing what the fuck I want

Over the past several months, I've been trying some different approaches to dating and none have really yielded what I'm looking for. The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for. I want a primary partner, someone I can share my life with, but I have no set idea in my mind what that relationship dynamic will be.

You might assume I need a primary partner that will be sexually submissive to me. You'd be wrong. While I know I need that type of relationship in my life, it's not a requirement of my primary partner. I can very much envision building a life with someone that isn't submissive to me but that is open minded and understands that being dominant is part of who I am. Someone who can grow to become secure enough in our relationship that I can explore a D/s relationship with someone else without damaging our own relationship. 

A Dom would be perfect for this because he'd already understand D/s relationship dynamics and certainly the need I feel to continue domming. And when I've dated Doms in the past, I've experienced an undeniable chemistry I'd love to have with my primary partner. However, most Doms want to date someone that will be submissive to them. I run across Doms periodically and while they find me intriguing because we have so much in common, they've typically never even considered dating another dominant.  I've also found it takes an exceptionally confident and secure Dom to date a Domme. These things make it difficult to find (or be found by) the right Dom to date. 

Periodically I'll make an attempt at dating a vanilla guy. Of course he's got to be open minded and lifestyle friendly. I don't need him to engage in BDSM with me but he's got to understand that's part of who I am. I've had varying degrees of success and failure with this lately. 

I have a profile on two vanilla dating websites. My profile on OKcupid occasionally yields a potential gem because the site does a decent job of matching me with sexually open minded people. I've been periodically dating a bisexual guy that found me through OKcupid. Nothing remotely serious but it's been successful enough that I haven't given up all hope of the site yielding anyone worthwhile. 

I have two PlentyofFish profiles - one that is kinky and one that is vanilla. My kinky profile has yielded a lot of interested wannabe subs lately but of all that interest, the best candidate so far has been a vanilla guy with zero subby aspirations. I enjoy him a lot and our chemistry is awesome. In fact, after spending time with him, I've wondered if maybe I could live without BDSM. That I could maybe walk away from the lifestyle if I could feel the way I do with him.

Crazy right? Eh, don't worry. The feeling doesn't last long. 

Still, it's enough to ensure I can confirm that I really have no fucking clue what I want from a relationship. 


  1. I find the dynamic of you as a dominant female dating a dominant man very interesting. If you could find the right dom that is OK with you engaging in another relationship with a sub male that could work. What if you found a dom who also had another sub female as you had a sub male, and your relationship together was vanilla? could that work? Or perhaps your original idea of finding a vanilla guy who is ok with you engaging in a relationship with another sub male. All of these options could work, but you may just as well be better off finding the perfect sub to spend your life with.
    Very interesting and thought provoking post.

    1. "What if you found a dom who also had another sub female as you had a sub male, and your relationship together was vanilla? could that work?"

      I think this would be the ideal scenario, actually. Not only would I have no problem with this, I'd actually find it really hot. One of the things I've enjoyed about dating Doms has been observing their power over other women while they show me the respect of a fellow Dominant. Also, I'd want my partner to feel fulfilled and since I don't switch, that would mean he'd need to seek out a D/s relationship with another.

      I suppose you are correct though. Finding the perfect sub to spend my life with might be less complicated.

  2. I've had similar thoughts before, but have always been very concerned that in the end, our urges to dominate would eventually cause tension. Also, I doubt that truly equal marriages or even relationships exist. Somehow, the power dynamic creeps in. I think a utopian marriage would almost have to involve some polyamorous type of arrangement.

    It's certainly an interesting discussion and you've framed it very well.


  3. I've tried to live without kink a hundred different times in the last 3 years. I can't do it. And yet, even with that knowledge... I still don't know what I want.

    I miss you.